#30before30

I just turned 24. It honestly doesn't feel that weird. But on New Year's it hit me that in 2015 I'll be turning 25..

t w e n t y - f i v e

I don't know why my elementary aged self imagined 25 to be the year that I was going to be a successful art teacher jogging to work at Shenandoah Elementary with a Sharpei and Miniature Dachshund named Pooter and Vinyl and a barn full of horses and cats, but I vividly remember thinking that's what life would be like at 25.. short of a career change and a total lifestyle transformation I don't think that's in the cards.

I'm okay with that, but I am not okay with knowing I'm half way through my 20's. It's time to get moving with some goals. Not that the first 5 weren't great, I just feel that there is more to accomplish. So without further adieu, here is my list 30 things to accomplish before turning 30.

Create Music.

Yes. I'm doing it. I want to write it, sing it, collaborate with someone who is instrumentally inclined, then have someone record it and I'll give it to my mother for Christmas. 

or something. 

Host a Dinner Party.

 It just feels like the adult thing to do. 

Everyone who attends will comment on how I splurged and got the good beer. They will chuckle with delight over how the wine glasses had no water spots. I imagine stringed lights, a smattering of delicious food that I created with my own hands, good drinks, pretty table settings and beautiful weather. 

Yes. This will be.

Europe or Australia.

I will visit one or the other in some way. I haven't been to either of these continents yet. It's time. 

Who's down to go with!? You? Perf.

(Yes, I realize that's the Grand Canyon. I'm going for this dude's vibe. He's obviously an adventure champion.)

 

Route 66.

I cannot possibly express my love for Roadtrips. I love gas station food, shady hotels, windows down - music up, exploring little towns and new cities, switching drivers, walkie talkie-ing truck drivers... It's what my soul craves. 
Nothing embodies freedom like a roadtrip. - FACT. I've always wanted to drive across the country and Route 66 sounds like a pretty solid idea. 
Any one have good music tastes and money to blow on a couple weeks on the wide open road with a pal? 
(The pal is me.)  

Try Stand-Up.

I guess I don't want to limit it to stand-up because I just want to conquer the fear of being on a stage that I always forget that I have. So stand-up or just an open mic night of some kind... could be singing, spoken word or a stand-up  thing. 

Here's to overcoming fears! 

Get Healthy.

It's come to a point that I can no longer justify living this way. My body is constantly fighting itself. It's literally painful and I'm ready to get this stuff under control and connect with the Lord in a new way.  

Complete a 30 Day Challenge.

 This is another one with loose terms. Because it can be ANY 30 Day Challenge. I always start 30 day challenges.. from Stupid Easy to Ridiculously Unrealistic - Across the board I always quit. This USUALLY takes place within a week of trying. I just want to finish ONE. 

Suggestions? 

  

Live Alone.

 I just realized I was at the edge of singlehood the other day. It may not be for 10+ more years, but I'm not going to be single and/or childless forever. (idk, maybe I will) But I feel like I need to seize the opportunity to live by myself again before things get complicated. Living in a one bedroom apartment was so good back in 2011 lol. I was 20 years old, adoring freedom and what I thought was independence.  
At 24 - 30 I think it could be an even better (healthier) experience.

Take Regular Speaking Fasts.

First of all, I do a lot of talking. I think that is why I get so annoyed by people who speak incessantly. In my life words carry a lot of importance. I think it's really important to be thoughtful about what you put into the world.  

Secondly, every time I've taken a day of silence, I hear or learn something from God. It's a really beautiful practice. 

I want to try to do one at least once a month.

Study and Immerse Myself into Another Culture.

 This is a silly picture,but it is something I miss so much. As uncomfortable as it was changing cultures every month, it was an incredible experience to dive into a new community and way of life and partner with people in their own way. I feel like Central America is DEF worth another visit, or RWANDA.. I love and miss you, Rwanda. 

Apply to be on Reality TV.

You'll never get chosen if you never try. Right? I think for most of them you have to make a video of some sort of presentation, so if nothing else it could be a fun project. OR I could win ALL THE MONEYS in ALL THE WORLD and Be FAMOUS about it. 

...Seems Feasible.

Write and Illustrate 

a Children’s Book 

for Mia. 

Since I was a child I have always loved drawing, I was never good at it lol but I'm a pro at doodling. Specifically I really excel at drawing faces on inanimate objects. 

Recently, after a brief visit to a friends house that resulted in drawing faces on all of the fruit in his kitchen, it occurred to me that those fruits had very obvious personalities. I feel like I could write a pretty good childrens book out of it. 

BONUS: I could dedicate it to my first niece (or if there are more by then, to all of them).

 Become fluent in Spanish.

 

Honestly, it's the responsible thing to do. 

What ELSE am I doing with my life? 

Also I just think it would be super convenient and cool.

Watch IMDB’s Top 250 Movies.

I love movies. 

But I recently realized there are a bunch I have missed. I think it's because I rolled onto the movie scene a little late. That's not to say that this list is the authority on good movies, but I think it's a solid place to start.

Also, that's a screenshot from my IMDB profile on the top 250 chart. 

20% = Sad.

 Process the Race and Travel Again.

This is one of the only ones with a time frame, at least for the first half. I HAVE to process this year. (2015) It would be really convenient to take it month by month like I intended to last year. But life happens and excuses flow. So that stops this year. 

Processing WILL happen.

Invest in a Dope Lady Suit.

If Sigourney Weaver can rock a Lady Suit so can I.

Benefits of the Lady Suit:

#1 - The intimidation Factor.

#2 - A small step toward destroying Gender Roles

Stop drinking pop.

This one seems pretty self explanatory. 

Health benefits.

& $8 a week BACK IN MY POCKET. 

It adds up, people.

Learn the secret to 

Grandma’s Chocolate Pie

Perfect Excuse to bond over dessert? 

Yes. Please. 

I like the idea of passing on family traditions, however, I hate most traditions. lol But I LUUUUUUUH Grandma AND Chocolate Pie. 

Adopt a Pet.

Between finding that cat at my parents house and spending time with Fallon over the Holidays, I have not stopped thinking about adoption. I think I'm moving towards being able to take care of another living thing. 

Maybe I'll start with a plant and work my way up. 

Watch the Sunrise and Sunset 

on the Beach.

  
The idea is to catch the sunrise on the beach on one coast and drive across Florida to the other coast and watch the sunset on another coast.

This can be completed alone or with ONE other human.

Delete Facebook.

 I just want to be clear that I do not think facebook is a bad thing. I LOVE facebook. I think the idea is brilliant. As humans, we desire connection and affirmation. I get it. It's a great idea. It's just not healthy for me. 

Once I get all my pictures onto  a hard drive and learn to be more intentional with my long distance relationships - it's gone. 

Plant and Adore a Garden.

 I recently discovered the wonder of community plots. I think it's somewhat of an American Dream. 

Maybe I'll never own a house or run my own business, but I do desire to see the work of my own hands 

..and then eat it. 

Complete a Mini – Marathon.

This one seems a little lofty, perhaps.  

But I do have a few years to work up to it. This is one that requires other things to be accomplished first. Like getting healthy, taking up jogging and then running... 

lol I'll make a 5 year plan.

Finish (any) Degree.

There is nothing I hate more than school. lol But I think it would be easier to deal with if I could choose an interest. School (post high school) has been a bunch of boring classes with deadlines and grumpy classmates. But after this semester, I'll have all standard prerequisites done. So I should be able to finish a degree in a few semesters.
 

Be a Baller Aunt.

Finding out that my brother and sister-in-law were having a child was a surprise, that took me a long time to process. Finding out they're having a girl has kind of made it real. I am so psyched to meet her and fall in love. I've never been very good at kids; relating, entertaining, etc. But I think once I meet Mia it will click, like auntular instincts or something. 

Seattle Underground

I found out about this while watching Kolchak a few years ago and I thought it was just made up for the tv show. BUT IT'S REAL. It's an old underground city, with store fronts and houses and streets that just got covered and they rebuilt the city right on top of it. It sounds crazy and obviously I want to tour it. 

New Years in Times Square.

 This is just one of those things I have always thought would be fun. Once I have kids, I'll probably want to be with them. 

lol Right? 

Explore the West Coast

  Most of the cities I want to be apart of are on the west coast and I feel like I could hit them all in a week or two. This seems like a great idea.

Lead a Trip

This would take a lot of prayer and trust and financial provision, but I believe it's in my future. I feel like God blesses us with gifts that are supposed to be used. I'm good at discipleship. I love travel and I'm willing to listen and make decisions based in trust. So I'll be praying about it.

Forgive Christians 

and 

Join a Community.

This one is loaded, obviously. It's probably the most difficult and the most frustrating. I am full of grace for non - Christians, but I can't seem to get past the things that Christians have done. But I believe 100% that community is a huge part of life with Jesus, sooooo I have to forgive and move on.   

I'm giving myself a year.

So that's my list and I'm pretty excited to start working towards these goals and I'll be sure to update you all along the way. (:

Mourning Past Seasons

For those of you who know me, you probably know that it is really difficult for me to share about my experience on the World Race. This isn't because I don't want to share it with anyone. It is because I have a really hard time with the questions I'm asked. I don't feel like telling you my favorite food is going to help you understand anything about the year I spent growing and changing. I don't know how telling you how much weight I lost is going to tie into the relationships I made in 10+ cities all around the world.

It's hard.

My heart still aches to share with everyone I come in contact with, just one glimpse into my experience but every time I have the opportunity - I become an inarticulate mess. Part of this is knowing that I realistically only have 3 minutes of your attention before you pull out your phone or your mind starts moving on to other things. But the other HUGE part of it is that I haven't allowed myself to fully mourn 2013.
 
In my mind, it will always be the year that changed me. It was the year I received the unwanted gift of community. It was the year that presented me with something uncomfortable at least once a day. It was the year I had to learn to let go over and over. It was the year I saw the Father working in every detail because I had my eyes open to see it. It was the year I was FORCED to trust him with my life.

I missed my family and friends for an entire year while I was gone. There wasn't a day I didn't want to fly home and cuddle my dog and eat my weight in taco bell. Now after spending a year at home I can honestly say, I don't have the same sense of home. It's hard to tell people that. It's hard to explain that you don't feel at home in your own bedroom. It's so hard to explain that leaving a second time would be a relief to the constant desire to travel and bring kingdom anywhere but here.

I don't believe that's what's next for me, but it is on my heart at all times. I don't know what's next and I don't think knowing is important. It will come with or without my permission or acknowledgement. What I do believe to be important is to finally allow myself to fully mourn and process my 2013. 

I started the process this morning, watching videos put together by one of my extremely talented squadmates. I watched SO many of them, but this one stuck out to me. I watched it three times and cried through the ENTIRE thing three times in row.

I want to share it with you, not because I'm in every shot but because these are all clips of what it is to be a missionary. The African church clips are all from my favorite church in Rwanda. My beautiful pastor and her congregation. I cannot tell you how sad it was to leave and I think that's where my processing will begin, because I was sure I would be going back and now I don't know when that will be.

You might also be wondering why this is coming up now. That's a valid question.

Today marks one year that I've been home from the race. I realized yesterday looking at my calendar and it hit me like a ton of bricks. December 6th was a day I used to fantasize about and seeing it again on the calendar released a physical response and I instantly started weeping.

So I kind of decided that I should probably start dealing with this. lol 

So that's where I'm at and with that, I'm pleased to present this gorgeous video put together by my good friend, Scott Kwak.

xXxXxXxClick Here for the Video!!xXxXxXx

The Take Away (fb hiatus part 3)

So, I'm just going to jump right into this post instead of making it pretty, because AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT!

Things I need and Things I need to let go of:

1. Community - NEED

After about a minute of processing I realized that I was lacking community. I desperately need a community. On the race I didn't appreciate it and now I can't seem to find it.  

What does that even mean, Taylor? Good Question, glad you asked.

Community to me - Like minded individuals who want and expect the best for each other. These people should know you and you should know them. This takes work. This takes dedication. There should be no condescension or judgement.

2.Expectations and Entitlement - LET IT GO

Earlier this year, I made strides to become a part of a community and then when it wasn't what I wanted it to be, I left it. I came up with excuses to validate this in my mind and to them. When really, if you want to be a part of something, you'll find a way to make it work. 

Let's be honest. 

The problem I had was that I had expectations going into all of it. I thought it would be great. I thought that everyone would want to grow and go through all the tough stuff together. I thought it would be similar to the race, at least a little. I felt entitled to it, even. Entitlement is a sneaky badger that gets me when I least expect it.

3. Writing - NEED

The Lord challenged me about this time last year to write something (anything) every day. It is one of the number one ways that I process. Sometimes I don't understand my feelings until I've taken time to write. It's also a major pathway he uses to speak to me. How am I to listen when I'm not giving him a chance to speak? 

Somewhere along the line I was fed the lie that my voice is unimportant and that I am a bad writer. I stopped writing consistently and it has been a sad quiet time in my life. I can NO LONGER AFFORD to avoid it. So I'm going to have to start enforcing a consistent time every day.

4. Non life - giving relationships - LET IT GO

This one is so hard. As an ENFP, I am wired to people please. I don't like hurting people, I don't like saying no to people.. etc. HOWEVER, the reality is my health is more important than a few people's feelings. God highlighted a few areas in my life that needed some cleaning out and those areas involved people who enable and people who are consistently negative in some aspect. 

This isn't a "I'm better than you, we can't be friends" moment. It's a, "I love you and I respect that you are going through your own battles, for both of our sakes, we need to take a break and reevaluate our relationship" moment. The thing I didn't think about until about last weekend was that I'm not just hurting MYSELF, I'm not healthy for the other person either. MINDBLOWN. Staying in these relationships is selfish and self-sabotaging. 
LET IT GO.


Last but not least,

5. A way to maintain relationships with my friends around the world. - NEED

Yup, you guessed it! This is where facebook comes into play. After spending a year with some of the most incredible humans, we were all (cruelly) scattered. Facebook is a way to maintain these life-giving relationships and still be filled up by people.

Not that I owe ANY ONE an explanation, but that is why I am back on facebook. 

Thanks for sticking it out with me, yall. 

I'm excited to see what comes of these revelations as my actions begin to align with my heart shiftings. (Marielle term)

FB Hiatus (continued)

Part 2

While I was away from facebook, I started journaling a lot about my life now and my life last year on the race. When I compared the two, there were a lot of similarities and differences I did not expect to find. After sorting these things out into neat little columns, it still didn't make sense.

My thoughts went a little something like this:

I am genuinely unhappy.
I have all the things I missed while I was away.
I have all the comforts I dreamed of, while I was gone.

Shouldn't I be reasonably happy?

While I thought on this I zoned out a little and when I (for lack of better words) came to, I was surprised to see that I had filled the page with words that depicted the things in my life currently.

These are a few of the positives:

Sunrises, laughter, tears, long drives, prayer, eating, sleeping, coffee, parks&rec, more laughter, laugh-crying, family time, worship, quiet moments, God whispers, adventure, phone calls, cuddles, couches, ice cream, cereal and ramen(not together), writing, more driving, good friends, domestic animals.

These are a few of the negatives:

Netflix-Binging, gossip, self-comforting, doubt, self-hate, social media, weightgain, (yeah, I wrote that. AS ONE WORD, like it's an activity I've been partaking in), pointless conversation, nothingness, purposelessness, wishing to be somewhere else, general annoyance with Christians, emptiness, hermity-ness.

As I looked at this page I started feeling a deep sadness take over my body from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers, then shooting down my legs. It took me over and I just sat paralyzed in fear. I had no idea what was going on.

My body was reacting the same way it did when I first came home from the race.

Confusion.

Shock.

Denial.

Am I really here? In this place? right now? Where is my identity now?

I had been fighting so hard to break these walls and habits and general negative traits. I've done a lot of work over the course of the past 3 years.

Did I manage to reverse it all?

(SHORT ANSWER, NO)

Now of course this wasn't true, but it felt true in that moment and I was devastated.

Living in America, is challenging. Now before all of you jump on me for being ungrateful: SHUT YOUR BUTT! I've said this before but I need to say it again. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of the world. It may be (IS) incredibly easy, in comparison.

HOWEVER, we face a different struggle. That struggle is the beautiful gift of freedom.

We. Are. So. Challenged. by this freedom.

We don't have to fight for our right to follow Jesus. We don't have to hide our faith. (Although sometimes other Christians might make you want to.)

On a greater level we can generally find clean water anywhere we go. Also, I'm allowed to work and have an income and own things. There are so many things we take for granted and I understand that it is completely ridiculous to say life is hard; because in comparison, no it isn't.


But this freedom comes with a cost, I have sank back into the same routine I was in before I was shown what REAL Freedom in Christ looks like.

God gave me an illustration. He's really good at those.

I'm a scrappy little kid, digging through the trash looking for an old costume that my parents threw away. I found it and it was disgusting. It had weird indistinguishable stains and rips all over it. I put it on, my feet busted the seams at the bottom and the sleeves that once covered half my hand, now only reached to my elbows. With every step, like the incredible hulk, I ripped it to shreds.

I had outgrown it.

But I did NOT want to take it off. In my closet hung a brand new beautiful costume that would definitely look awesome. But I was comfortable in the old one.

Living for Christ in America, is not difficult because we have to hide it or risk being shunned by anyone. It is difficult because it is uncomfortable. It's not easy and it doesn't offer instant gratification. It is comfortable and safe to adjust to life in America. It is easy to slip back into patterns that help you blend in with the world. I would even say it is natural, as human beings, to assimilate to the culture we're submerged in.

But the true unmatched freedom I experienced when I was truly living*, is worth the fight. So I had to figure out what I needed, that I no longer had and also what I needed to let go of.

PART 3 to come soon. 

*not a typo. I don't mean "living for Christ". I actually just mean living or existing/functioning

Facebook Hiatus (part one)

Recently I started going back to school full-time at Ivytech Community College. Knowing that I'm terrible at time management, I made a decision to get off of Facebook for a little while.

Originally I thought this would be a couple months; it actually ended up being exactly three weeks. I didn't expect to learn much of anything. Honestly, I went into this thinking I would figure out maybe how to get work done and get a routine in place; maybe even manage free time. God always has bigger plans than I do... so surprise He had another idea and what I learned in those three weeks - is invaluable.

The first thing I noticed was that I was a lot less annoyed all the time. I had less material to use to form opinions about people. When I removed myself from the literal highlight reel, I stopped comparing myself to them. 

I've always struggled with a spirit of comparison. But it wasn't until myspace and Facebook came around that I stopped comparing just my body and began comparing experiences. I see people having kids, going to parties, traveling, getting married, graduating, eating ice cream.. and instead of celebrating with them or "liking" the picture. (Not everyone, or every post - give me some credit) I get jealous and I ask God why not me? What is MY life? 

But the beauty of removing myself from this constant highlight reel, is that it created a space for me to listen. When I did, God so calmly and pointedly whispered life into me.

Why are you discounting this process we're in? 

There is beauty in the struggle, a beauty that isn't easily represented in Instagram form. This season is not cute. It's much deeper than that. Change your focus my sweet child. You are in this place, in this moment, in this situation for a reason. Celebrate this valley! You are so precious to me. This chiseling hurts now, but I promise you, the end is near and you will walk so much lighter afterwards.

This struck me like a weary traveler returning to land, I felt something so comforting and reassuring. It was peace. It was a solid ground I could stand on, once again. I have walked around with this hope that something good is coming for about 9 months now, but until that little whisper I had no inclination that I was being worked on. I just thought I was involved in some sort of commercial break; just waiting patiently and not flipping channels. That seems like enough work to me. Ha! No.

Side note: One thing I’m also learning is that God doesn’t waste our time.

& with that I will leave you today, because I’m about to celebrate one of my dearest childhood friend’s wedding!! 

Part two will follow shortly. (: