This Always Happens

This always happens. I do really good for a short amount of time and SOMETHING sneaks its way into my brain and psyches me out. Luckily, I’m really determined this time. What psyched me out? Great Question - Answer: I weighed in this week and after working out for 6 days straight and following my calorie count, my weight has not budged. Scratch that, I think I may have gained.

So I realized over the last two days that this tiny little lie has crept in that I am failing. I actually AM aware that this is not true and that ever single step I take towards my health IS success. It’s just hard not to be discouraged when you look forward to it all week, thinking you’ve made some drastic change. But I have to remind myself that this isn’t about a number on the scale.

This is long term, this is about overcoming my addiction.

This is about pursuing health in every aspect.

Not just physical.

So maybe the scale is showing no mercy this week, but I DO feel better and I think I look better. Maybe it’s in my mind, but I think I’m still losing and my body is just confused.

Whatever it is, I have to be okay with it. God has me where he wants me right now.

On another note, this month I’ve started Slim Fast...well the generic version at least. Today was day 1. It went really well as far as I can tell. I wasn’t hungry until after my workout, so around 5pm. I’m still using myfitnesspal as well. So we’ll see how this week goes. But if the scale still doesn’t budge I might see about something else.

Oh, I meant to update you on my board of accountability partners earlier so some of these are a week or two old. But I asked them how things were going, here are their answers.

Rhonda: "A little thrown off by my new work schedule."
Morgan: "For once I'm sticking to something and I'm very encouraged."
Sammy Jo: "Probably an A"
Emily: "I actually do enjoy this whole learning about my foods and what I put in my body and trying new exercises, I just wish I had more time!"
Justine: "I pooped Satan's Baby today."

Also, my dad is officially added to the accountability board and his response was:
"Focused and Determined, and this time I'll keep it off!" - said in Grinch voice.

Yeah, I'll leave you with that.

and just so we're all clear, I'm okay. I just never want to sugar coat anything or act like I'm not frustrated or struggling... okay, rant over. (lol sugar coat... I wouldn't have room for those calories.)

Toodles!

Intimacy issues..

I've always said that I don't have an addictive personality. I've never had a problem with alcohol or tobacco. I've used them socially for a couple years now and never had a second thought about them. I like beer, a lot. I enjoy it every once in a while when my calories allow it or if I've just had a really awesome workout. But I've honestly never even craved either one.

But when I think about the behaviors of an addicts, it becomes much more relative. For the purpose of vulnerability I'll just say it, food is one of a few of my addictions. But because it isn't alcohol or tobacco or drugs I overlook it. It's not hurting anyone else, right? I'm not putting anyone else in danger. It doesn't cloud my judgment, orrrr does it?

Have you ever heard of the term Hangry? The first time I heard this was on the race, one of my teammates was about to bite our heads off because she was hungry. I may not get to the point of wanting to punch a baby, but it does alter my mood.

I have planned days around food, because I look forward to eating. Now that I'm counting calories, it's almost worse. I'm forced to think about it constantly. So now when I'm not eating, I'm stressing about what I'm not going to be able to enjoy.

I'm this way with love and attention too. I think it has roots in growing up as a fat kid. I had to try so hard for people to like me. I'm addicted to the affirmation. Before I recognized the reasons and the patterns I slip into, I lived to entertain. All my life I have felt ignored, unappreciated and basically unseen.

That is why, if you have met me you know, I can't go more than 2 minutes without making a joke. The laughter, the smiles, the nods, the eye contact - they all feed into my bottomless affirmation tank. We were created to desire this, but not from food or man.

I wrote something recently that I think sums up the rest of my feelings.

Thank you for your time and for believing in me, the comments on facebook are so encouraging. Last week was good I worked out 5 out of 7 days and I plan on making this week 6 out of 7. I start my new job this week. I would have started today but school is closed.

Oh yeah, about that - I am officially a Paraeducator at Highland Middle School. Which basically means, I will be working one on one with a student that needs a little bit more attention. I will help him everyday with his class work and serve as a little bit of consistency (AKA Jesus) in his life. Without saying anything about Jesus, I plan to love this kid so hard. I've met him and we are already pals, so I'm excited for this new season. Sidenote - awesome new schedule. I work 7:45 - 2:30. M-F Yeah. I'm into it.

UPDATE - I lost 4 lbs last week for a running total of 6 lbs. So yeah, I should be finding some orange leaf sometime this week. (:

Love you guys, toodles.