FB Hiatus (continued)

Part 2

While I was away from facebook, I started journaling a lot about my life now and my life last year on the race. When I compared the two, there were a lot of similarities and differences I did not expect to find. After sorting these things out into neat little columns, it still didn't make sense.

My thoughts went a little something like this:

I am genuinely unhappy.
I have all the things I missed while I was away.
I have all the comforts I dreamed of, while I was gone.

Shouldn't I be reasonably happy?

While I thought on this I zoned out a little and when I (for lack of better words) came to, I was surprised to see that I had filled the page with words that depicted the things in my life currently.

These are a few of the positives:

Sunrises, laughter, tears, long drives, prayer, eating, sleeping, coffee, parks&rec, more laughter, laugh-crying, family time, worship, quiet moments, God whispers, adventure, phone calls, cuddles, couches, ice cream, cereal and ramen(not together), writing, more driving, good friends, domestic animals.

These are a few of the negatives:

Netflix-Binging, gossip, self-comforting, doubt, self-hate, social media, weightgain, (yeah, I wrote that. AS ONE WORD, like it's an activity I've been partaking in), pointless conversation, nothingness, purposelessness, wishing to be somewhere else, general annoyance with Christians, emptiness, hermity-ness.

As I looked at this page I started feeling a deep sadness take over my body from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers, then shooting down my legs. It took me over and I just sat paralyzed in fear. I had no idea what was going on.

My body was reacting the same way it did when I first came home from the race.

Confusion.

Shock.

Denial.

Am I really here? In this place? right now? Where is my identity now?

I had been fighting so hard to break these walls and habits and general negative traits. I've done a lot of work over the course of the past 3 years.

Did I manage to reverse it all?

(SHORT ANSWER, NO)

Now of course this wasn't true, but it felt true in that moment and I was devastated.

Living in America, is challenging. Now before all of you jump on me for being ungrateful: SHUT YOUR BUTT! I've said this before but I need to say it again. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of the world. It may be (IS) incredibly easy, in comparison.

HOWEVER, we face a different struggle. That struggle is the beautiful gift of freedom.

We. Are. So. Challenged. by this freedom.

We don't have to fight for our right to follow Jesus. We don't have to hide our faith. (Although sometimes other Christians might make you want to.)

On a greater level we can generally find clean water anywhere we go. Also, I'm allowed to work and have an income and own things. There are so many things we take for granted and I understand that it is completely ridiculous to say life is hard; because in comparison, no it isn't.


But this freedom comes with a cost, I have sank back into the same routine I was in before I was shown what REAL Freedom in Christ looks like.

God gave me an illustration. He's really good at those.

I'm a scrappy little kid, digging through the trash looking for an old costume that my parents threw away. I found it and it was disgusting. It had weird indistinguishable stains and rips all over it. I put it on, my feet busted the seams at the bottom and the sleeves that once covered half my hand, now only reached to my elbows. With every step, like the incredible hulk, I ripped it to shreds.

I had outgrown it.

But I did NOT want to take it off. In my closet hung a brand new beautiful costume that would definitely look awesome. But I was comfortable in the old one.

Living for Christ in America, is not difficult because we have to hide it or risk being shunned by anyone. It is difficult because it is uncomfortable. It's not easy and it doesn't offer instant gratification. It is comfortable and safe to adjust to life in America. It is easy to slip back into patterns that help you blend in with the world. I would even say it is natural, as human beings, to assimilate to the culture we're submerged in.

But the true unmatched freedom I experienced when I was truly living*, is worth the fight. So I had to figure out what I needed, that I no longer had and also what I needed to let go of.

PART 3 to come soon. 

*not a typo. I don't mean "living for Christ". I actually just mean living or existing/functioning

Facebook Hiatus (part one)

Recently I started going back to school full-time at Ivytech Community College. Knowing that I'm terrible at time management, I made a decision to get off of Facebook for a little while.

Originally I thought this would be a couple months; it actually ended up being exactly three weeks. I didn't expect to learn much of anything. Honestly, I went into this thinking I would figure out maybe how to get work done and get a routine in place; maybe even manage free time. God always has bigger plans than I do... so surprise He had another idea and what I learned in those three weeks - is invaluable.

The first thing I noticed was that I was a lot less annoyed all the time. I had less material to use to form opinions about people. When I removed myself from the literal highlight reel, I stopped comparing myself to them. 

I've always struggled with a spirit of comparison. But it wasn't until myspace and Facebook came around that I stopped comparing just my body and began comparing experiences. I see people having kids, going to parties, traveling, getting married, graduating, eating ice cream.. and instead of celebrating with them or "liking" the picture. (Not everyone, or every post - give me some credit) I get jealous and I ask God why not me? What is MY life? 

But the beauty of removing myself from this constant highlight reel, is that it created a space for me to listen. When I did, God so calmly and pointedly whispered life into me.

Why are you discounting this process we're in? 

There is beauty in the struggle, a beauty that isn't easily represented in Instagram form. This season is not cute. It's much deeper than that. Change your focus my sweet child. You are in this place, in this moment, in this situation for a reason. Celebrate this valley! You are so precious to me. This chiseling hurts now, but I promise you, the end is near and you will walk so much lighter afterwards.

This struck me like a weary traveler returning to land, I felt something so comforting and reassuring. It was peace. It was a solid ground I could stand on, once again. I have walked around with this hope that something good is coming for about 9 months now, but until that little whisper I had no inclination that I was being worked on. I just thought I was involved in some sort of commercial break; just waiting patiently and not flipping channels. That seems like enough work to me. Ha! No.

Side note: One thing I’m also learning is that God doesn’t waste our time.

& with that I will leave you today, because I’m about to celebrate one of my dearest childhood friend’s wedding!! 

Part two will follow shortly. (:

Things I don't understand

When I come to a blank in creativity, I make lists.
This is what came of today's creative block.

Things I will NEVER understand.

1. Turtle. Neck. Sweaters.

2. Going to Panera for something other than Broccoli Cheddar Soup.

3. There are people who exist that do not wish to have the capability of flying.

4. God's thoughts on Mosquitos

5. People who think they can choose their own Nickname.

6. Dots - the candy.

7. Saunas

8. The wal-mart check out system.

9. Racism

10. Bleaching parts of your body that outside of intense inspection will never be seen.


I will expand further on these points at a later date.

Today

I could write about how poorly I have behaved over the last 3 months.
But I'd rather just talk about today.

Today - I want to start over.
Today - I want to be whole.
Today - I want to feel better.
Today - I want to be held accountable.
Today - I am desperate for friendships of substance.
Today - I need a mentor.
Today - I want to be pushed outside my comfort zone.
Today - I am annoyed and frustrated with my inability to eat responsibly.


Today - I ate 2 times as much as I should have.
Today - I will intend to go to the gym but instead I will cry on my bed and look at the disaster around me and feel overwhelmed and refuse help.

Today - I don't know what to do.
Today - I am honest and I admit I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.

Irrelevant Ramblings

Today is dreary. All I can think about is going to Heaven. I’ve never (honestly) wanted to go to Heaven. I think that probably makes me a bad Christian, or maybe just a human. But today I imagined that it is probably way better than I could even think of. It’s outside of our realm of thinking. Have you ever heard that country song that says “if Heaven was a pie, it would be cherry,”? How dreadful that Heaven must be for anyone who dislikes cherry.. haha I’m just kidding.

But I do get what he’s saying in the song. I think he is trying to convey those things that bring you bliss that aren’t ‘things’. He talks about twilight and lightning bugs and mama’s laughter. For me, I think the closest experience I’ve had to Heaven would be coming home from the race. Now before you lose your mind and remind me that you paid for my trip, let me explain.

There is something so magical about coming home, for me. I’m not talking about a physical house. I don’t believe home is where you lay your head, necessarily. I believe that it is where your heart is. (Yes, I know how cheesy I sound right now) But really, coming home has been one of the most insane and beautiful experiences. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed, as when I walked down the airplane connection tunnel to find my family poking their heads around the corner.

It was all I could do to continue standing. It’s bringing tears to my eyes as I’m typing this and the evening that followed was more of the same. I walked into my house, the smells, the furniture, my dog, the kitchen, my bed...all of them so inviting. The one thing they all conveyed was comfort. I think that’s the major thing, I searched for in each new country I lived in and immersed myself in.

Today, I was thinking back to my time in India. We were preaching at a church and before the service we walked around the village to pray for people. On the road we came across a little old lady who was on her way, very slowly, to the church. She heard that we were coming and she wasn’t gonna miss her chance to be prayed for. Her family found her walking and ushered her back to their home. We went to their house and began talking to the family and found out she was 114 years old.

She said she wanted to know why she was still alive. She begged, everyday, for God to take her. At this point in the race, we were in the final month. I related so much with this woman because I too prayed everyday to get sent home. I think the feeling, although much more desperate on her end, is the same. I think what I’m feeling now is homesickness. While I was gone I experienced the most authentic love and a very real, very tangible grace. I had to depend on Jesus more than I’ve ever been able to.

Now that my eyes have been opened, nothing that is not saturated in him satisfies.

I can never be in a non- Christ centered relationship again. It feels dirty, it’s boring and quite honestly I deserve nothing LESS than a Christ centered relationship. Food doesn’t satisfy, I can no longer finish a pop larger than a can and not feel sick. Attention doesn’t fuel me any longer. These are all things I used to thrive on, or so I thought.
I don’t really know where to go from here, but this is where I am.

I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I feel it’s still relevant and this is MY blog and I do what I want. ;)

Also, I’ve completely fallen off the wagon again. It’s a dark scary hole. But I see the light and I have confidence that I’ll make it back on in the next couple of days.