The Take Away (fb hiatus part 3)

So, I'm just going to jump right into this post instead of making it pretty, because AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT!

Things I need and Things I need to let go of:

1. Community - NEED

After about a minute of processing I realized that I was lacking community. I desperately need a community. On the race I didn't appreciate it and now I can't seem to find it.  

What does that even mean, Taylor? Good Question, glad you asked.

Community to me - Like minded individuals who want and expect the best for each other. These people should know you and you should know them. This takes work. This takes dedication. There should be no condescension or judgement.

2.Expectations and Entitlement - LET IT GO

Earlier this year, I made strides to become a part of a community and then when it wasn't what I wanted it to be, I left it. I came up with excuses to validate this in my mind and to them. When really, if you want to be a part of something, you'll find a way to make it work. 

Let's be honest. 

The problem I had was that I had expectations going into all of it. I thought it would be great. I thought that everyone would want to grow and go through all the tough stuff together. I thought it would be similar to the race, at least a little. I felt entitled to it, even. Entitlement is a sneaky badger that gets me when I least expect it.

3. Writing - NEED

The Lord challenged me about this time last year to write something (anything) every day. It is one of the number one ways that I process. Sometimes I don't understand my feelings until I've taken time to write. It's also a major pathway he uses to speak to me. How am I to listen when I'm not giving him a chance to speak? 

Somewhere along the line I was fed the lie that my voice is unimportant and that I am a bad writer. I stopped writing consistently and it has been a sad quiet time in my life. I can NO LONGER AFFORD to avoid it. So I'm going to have to start enforcing a consistent time every day.

4. Non life - giving relationships - LET IT GO

This one is so hard. As an ENFP, I am wired to people please. I don't like hurting people, I don't like saying no to people.. etc. HOWEVER, the reality is my health is more important than a few people's feelings. God highlighted a few areas in my life that needed some cleaning out and those areas involved people who enable and people who are consistently negative in some aspect. 

This isn't a "I'm better than you, we can't be friends" moment. It's a, "I love you and I respect that you are going through your own battles, for both of our sakes, we need to take a break and reevaluate our relationship" moment. The thing I didn't think about until about last weekend was that I'm not just hurting MYSELF, I'm not healthy for the other person either. MINDBLOWN. Staying in these relationships is selfish and self-sabotaging. 
LET IT GO.


Last but not least,

5. A way to maintain relationships with my friends around the world. - NEED

Yup, you guessed it! This is where facebook comes into play. After spending a year with some of the most incredible humans, we were all (cruelly) scattered. Facebook is a way to maintain these life-giving relationships and still be filled up by people.

Not that I owe ANY ONE an explanation, but that is why I am back on facebook. 

Thanks for sticking it out with me, yall. 

I'm excited to see what comes of these revelations as my actions begin to align with my heart shiftings. (Marielle term)

FB Hiatus (continued)

Part 2

While I was away from facebook, I started journaling a lot about my life now and my life last year on the race. When I compared the two, there were a lot of similarities and differences I did not expect to find. After sorting these things out into neat little columns, it still didn't make sense.

My thoughts went a little something like this:

I am genuinely unhappy.
I have all the things I missed while I was away.
I have all the comforts I dreamed of, while I was gone.

Shouldn't I be reasonably happy?

While I thought on this I zoned out a little and when I (for lack of better words) came to, I was surprised to see that I had filled the page with words that depicted the things in my life currently.

These are a few of the positives:

Sunrises, laughter, tears, long drives, prayer, eating, sleeping, coffee, parks&rec, more laughter, laugh-crying, family time, worship, quiet moments, God whispers, adventure, phone calls, cuddles, couches, ice cream, cereal and ramen(not together), writing, more driving, good friends, domestic animals.

These are a few of the negatives:

Netflix-Binging, gossip, self-comforting, doubt, self-hate, social media, weightgain, (yeah, I wrote that. AS ONE WORD, like it's an activity I've been partaking in), pointless conversation, nothingness, purposelessness, wishing to be somewhere else, general annoyance with Christians, emptiness, hermity-ness.

As I looked at this page I started feeling a deep sadness take over my body from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers, then shooting down my legs. It took me over and I just sat paralyzed in fear. I had no idea what was going on.

My body was reacting the same way it did when I first came home from the race.

Confusion.

Shock.

Denial.

Am I really here? In this place? right now? Where is my identity now?

I had been fighting so hard to break these walls and habits and general negative traits. I've done a lot of work over the course of the past 3 years.

Did I manage to reverse it all?

(SHORT ANSWER, NO)

Now of course this wasn't true, but it felt true in that moment and I was devastated.

Living in America, is challenging. Now before all of you jump on me for being ungrateful: SHUT YOUR BUTT! I've said this before but I need to say it again. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of the world. It may be (IS) incredibly easy, in comparison.

HOWEVER, we face a different struggle. That struggle is the beautiful gift of freedom.

We. Are. So. Challenged. by this freedom.

We don't have to fight for our right to follow Jesus. We don't have to hide our faith. (Although sometimes other Christians might make you want to.)

On a greater level we can generally find clean water anywhere we go. Also, I'm allowed to work and have an income and own things. There are so many things we take for granted and I understand that it is completely ridiculous to say life is hard; because in comparison, no it isn't.


But this freedom comes with a cost, I have sank back into the same routine I was in before I was shown what REAL Freedom in Christ looks like.

God gave me an illustration. He's really good at those.

I'm a scrappy little kid, digging through the trash looking for an old costume that my parents threw away. I found it and it was disgusting. It had weird indistinguishable stains and rips all over it. I put it on, my feet busted the seams at the bottom and the sleeves that once covered half my hand, now only reached to my elbows. With every step, like the incredible hulk, I ripped it to shreds.

I had outgrown it.

But I did NOT want to take it off. In my closet hung a brand new beautiful costume that would definitely look awesome. But I was comfortable in the old one.

Living for Christ in America, is not difficult because we have to hide it or risk being shunned by anyone. It is difficult because it is uncomfortable. It's not easy and it doesn't offer instant gratification. It is comfortable and safe to adjust to life in America. It is easy to slip back into patterns that help you blend in with the world. I would even say it is natural, as human beings, to assimilate to the culture we're submerged in.

But the true unmatched freedom I experienced when I was truly living*, is worth the fight. So I had to figure out what I needed, that I no longer had and also what I needed to let go of.

PART 3 to come soon. 

*not a typo. I don't mean "living for Christ". I actually just mean living or existing/functioning

Facebook Hiatus (part one)

Recently I started going back to school full-time at Ivytech Community College. Knowing that I'm terrible at time management, I made a decision to get off of Facebook for a little while.

Originally I thought this would be a couple months; it actually ended up being exactly three weeks. I didn't expect to learn much of anything. Honestly, I went into this thinking I would figure out maybe how to get work done and get a routine in place; maybe even manage free time. God always has bigger plans than I do... so surprise He had another idea and what I learned in those three weeks - is invaluable.

The first thing I noticed was that I was a lot less annoyed all the time. I had less material to use to form opinions about people. When I removed myself from the literal highlight reel, I stopped comparing myself to them. 

I've always struggled with a spirit of comparison. But it wasn't until myspace and Facebook came around that I stopped comparing just my body and began comparing experiences. I see people having kids, going to parties, traveling, getting married, graduating, eating ice cream.. and instead of celebrating with them or "liking" the picture. (Not everyone, or every post - give me some credit) I get jealous and I ask God why not me? What is MY life? 

But the beauty of removing myself from this constant highlight reel, is that it created a space for me to listen. When I did, God so calmly and pointedly whispered life into me.

Why are you discounting this process we're in? 

There is beauty in the struggle, a beauty that isn't easily represented in Instagram form. This season is not cute. It's much deeper than that. Change your focus my sweet child. You are in this place, in this moment, in this situation for a reason. Celebrate this valley! You are so precious to me. This chiseling hurts now, but I promise you, the end is near and you will walk so much lighter afterwards.

This struck me like a weary traveler returning to land, I felt something so comforting and reassuring. It was peace. It was a solid ground I could stand on, once again. I have walked around with this hope that something good is coming for about 9 months now, but until that little whisper I had no inclination that I was being worked on. I just thought I was involved in some sort of commercial break; just waiting patiently and not flipping channels. That seems like enough work to me. Ha! No.

Side note: One thing I’m also learning is that God doesn’t waste our time.

& with that I will leave you today, because I’m about to celebrate one of my dearest childhood friend’s wedding!! 

Part two will follow shortly. (:

Things I don't understand

When I come to a blank in creativity, I make lists.
This is what came of today's creative block.

Things I will NEVER understand.

1. Turtle. Neck. Sweaters.

2. Going to Panera for something other than Broccoli Cheddar Soup.

3. There are people who exist that do not wish to have the capability of flying.

4. God's thoughts on Mosquitos

5. People who think they can choose their own Nickname.

6. Dots - the candy.

7. Saunas

8. The wal-mart check out system.

9. Racism

10. Bleaching parts of your body that outside of intense inspection will never be seen.


I will expand further on these points at a later date.

Today

I could write about how poorly I have behaved over the last 3 months.
But I'd rather just talk about today.

Today - I want to start over.
Today - I want to be whole.
Today - I want to feel better.
Today - I want to be held accountable.
Today - I am desperate for friendships of substance.
Today - I need a mentor.
Today - I want to be pushed outside my comfort zone.
Today - I am annoyed and frustrated with my inability to eat responsibly.


Today - I ate 2 times as much as I should have.
Today - I will intend to go to the gym but instead I will cry on my bed and look at the disaster around me and feel overwhelmed and refuse help.

Today - I don't know what to do.
Today - I am honest and I admit I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.