Facebook Hiatus (part one)

Recently I started going back to school full-time at Ivytech Community College. Knowing that I'm terrible at time management, I made a decision to get off of Facebook for a little while.

Originally I thought this would be a couple months; it actually ended up being exactly three weeks. I didn't expect to learn much of anything. Honestly, I went into this thinking I would figure out maybe how to get work done and get a routine in place; maybe even manage free time. God always has bigger plans than I do... so surprise He had another idea and what I learned in those three weeks - is invaluable.

The first thing I noticed was that I was a lot less annoyed all the time. I had less material to use to form opinions about people. When I removed myself from the literal highlight reel, I stopped comparing myself to them. 

I've always struggled with a spirit of comparison. But it wasn't until myspace and Facebook came around that I stopped comparing just my body and began comparing experiences. I see people having kids, going to parties, traveling, getting married, graduating, eating ice cream.. and instead of celebrating with them or "liking" the picture. (Not everyone, or every post - give me some credit) I get jealous and I ask God why not me? What is MY life? 

But the beauty of removing myself from this constant highlight reel, is that it created a space for me to listen. When I did, God so calmly and pointedly whispered life into me.

Why are you discounting this process we're in? 

There is beauty in the struggle, a beauty that isn't easily represented in Instagram form. This season is not cute. It's much deeper than that. Change your focus my sweet child. You are in this place, in this moment, in this situation for a reason. Celebrate this valley! You are so precious to me. This chiseling hurts now, but I promise you, the end is near and you will walk so much lighter afterwards.

This struck me like a weary traveler returning to land, I felt something so comforting and reassuring. It was peace. It was a solid ground I could stand on, once again. I have walked around with this hope that something good is coming for about 9 months now, but until that little whisper I had no inclination that I was being worked on. I just thought I was involved in some sort of commercial break; just waiting patiently and not flipping channels. That seems like enough work to me. Ha! No.

Side note: One thing I’m also learning is that God doesn’t waste our time.

& with that I will leave you today, because I’m about to celebrate one of my dearest childhood friend’s wedding!! 

Part two will follow shortly. (:

Things I don't understand

When I come to a blank in creativity, I make lists.
This is what came of today's creative block.

Things I will NEVER understand.

1. Turtle. Neck. Sweaters.

2. Going to Panera for something other than Broccoli Cheddar Soup.

3. There are people who exist that do not wish to have the capability of flying.

4. God's thoughts on Mosquitos

5. People who think they can choose their own Nickname.

6. Dots - the candy.

7. Saunas

8. The wal-mart check out system.

9. Racism

10. Bleaching parts of your body that outside of intense inspection will never be seen.


I will expand further on these points at a later date.

Today

I could write about how poorly I have behaved over the last 3 months.
But I'd rather just talk about today.

Today - I want to start over.
Today - I want to be whole.
Today - I want to feel better.
Today - I want to be held accountable.
Today - I am desperate for friendships of substance.
Today - I need a mentor.
Today - I want to be pushed outside my comfort zone.
Today - I am annoyed and frustrated with my inability to eat responsibly.


Today - I ate 2 times as much as I should have.
Today - I will intend to go to the gym but instead I will cry on my bed and look at the disaster around me and feel overwhelmed and refuse help.

Today - I don't know what to do.
Today - I am honest and I admit I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.

Irrelevant Ramblings

Today is dreary. All I can think about is going to Heaven. I’ve never (honestly) wanted to go to Heaven. I think that probably makes me a bad Christian, or maybe just a human. But today I imagined that it is probably way better than I could even think of. It’s outside of our realm of thinking. Have you ever heard that country song that says “if Heaven was a pie, it would be cherry,”? How dreadful that Heaven must be for anyone who dislikes cherry.. haha I’m just kidding.

But I do get what he’s saying in the song. I think he is trying to convey those things that bring you bliss that aren’t ‘things’. He talks about twilight and lightning bugs and mama’s laughter. For me, I think the closest experience I’ve had to Heaven would be coming home from the race. Now before you lose your mind and remind me that you paid for my trip, let me explain.

There is something so magical about coming home, for me. I’m not talking about a physical house. I don’t believe home is where you lay your head, necessarily. I believe that it is where your heart is. (Yes, I know how cheesy I sound right now) But really, coming home has been one of the most insane and beautiful experiences. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed, as when I walked down the airplane connection tunnel to find my family poking their heads around the corner.

It was all I could do to continue standing. It’s bringing tears to my eyes as I’m typing this and the evening that followed was more of the same. I walked into my house, the smells, the furniture, my dog, the kitchen, my bed...all of them so inviting. The one thing they all conveyed was comfort. I think that’s the major thing, I searched for in each new country I lived in and immersed myself in.

Today, I was thinking back to my time in India. We were preaching at a church and before the service we walked around the village to pray for people. On the road we came across a little old lady who was on her way, very slowly, to the church. She heard that we were coming and she wasn’t gonna miss her chance to be prayed for. Her family found her walking and ushered her back to their home. We went to their house and began talking to the family and found out she was 114 years old.

She said she wanted to know why she was still alive. She begged, everyday, for God to take her. At this point in the race, we were in the final month. I related so much with this woman because I too prayed everyday to get sent home. I think the feeling, although much more desperate on her end, is the same. I think what I’m feeling now is homesickness. While I was gone I experienced the most authentic love and a very real, very tangible grace. I had to depend on Jesus more than I’ve ever been able to.

Now that my eyes have been opened, nothing that is not saturated in him satisfies.

I can never be in a non- Christ centered relationship again. It feels dirty, it’s boring and quite honestly I deserve nothing LESS than a Christ centered relationship. Food doesn’t satisfy, I can no longer finish a pop larger than a can and not feel sick. Attention doesn’t fuel me any longer. These are all things I used to thrive on, or so I thought.
I don’t really know where to go from here, but this is where I am.

I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I feel it’s still relevant and this is MY blog and I do what I want. ;)

Also, I’ve completely fallen off the wagon again. It’s a dark scary hole. But I see the light and I have confidence that I’ll make it back on in the next couple of days.

Make it Go Away.

Guess what?! 

I've been in a funk. 

It's the lamest of the lame.

As I mentioned previously, I think, I have been pretty disappointed by the fact that I've lost ZERO pounds for a while. So add to that a feeling of helplessness that I've picked up from working with a bunch of kids in horrible situations. Mon-Fri, plus this STUPID weather, I know this is strange for me, I LOVE SNOW, I LOVE COLD, but it's too much. It's like a bad clingy boyfriend, it needs to go away so I can miss it...anyway -  It has begun to take it's toll.

I've found that this FUNK is probably also on account of Jesus and I not speaking for a while. I don't know what it is about being home, but it is SO hard to get ANY alone time with him. I find ways to busy myself at all times. I stop to pray pretty often, but actually listening or singing or writing or ANYTHING else - NOPE. 

Just a wall of white noise. This of course is my doing. Just to go further into my mind here as an excerpt of the post I was going to put up a while ago.

This was written at least 2 weeks ago.
"So after a week of trying out slim fast and keeping up with working out 5 days a week, I've gained another 3 lbs.
That's beyond frustrating when I know how far I need to go.
On the reals though, the equate slim fast tastes pretty good and it was filling for about 5 hours in the morning, but the lunch time shake was not cutting it for me.
I'm slowly taking steps against the food addiction thing, but only allowing myself one real meal a day is painful and honestly I end up eating more than I should because I think I'm starving.
I also tried packing snacks for work like cheese sticks, turkey slices, fruit.. I think it just added to my rage. One day, I drove to speedway on my break for a diet Pepsi (which I love and look forward to) and I left with a chicken sandwich and no cold pop. I was blinded by the hangry..

 

I think if I were already at my goal weight it would be a great thing. But because I have so far to go, I think I need more discipline. So I'm back to straight calorie counting.
Also I've recently had a hard time staying motivated at the gym.. Anyone have any suggestions? I really love planet fitness and I've really gotten into the 30 minute express and the 12 minute ab circuit, but 45 minutes on the elliptical is now something I dread."

All of that aside.

(back to real time)

I think my next step is to seek out time alone with God. SO (accountability fiends, get ready) I wish to be repeatedly prompted to date Jesus this month. Thank you, ahead of time for your support. (:

and with that I'll pass.