But when I think about the behaviors of an addicts, it becomes much more relative. For the purpose of vulnerability I'll just say it, food is one of a few of my addictions. But because it isn't alcohol or tobacco or drugs I overlook it. It's not hurting anyone else, right? I'm not putting anyone else in danger. It doesn't cloud my judgment, orrrr does it?
Have you ever heard of the term Hangry? The first time I heard this was on the race, one of my teammates was about to bite our heads off because she was hungry. I may not get to the point of wanting to punch a baby, but it does alter my mood.
I have planned days around food, because I look forward to eating. Now that I'm counting calories, it's almost worse. I'm forced to think about it constantly. So now when I'm not eating, I'm stressing about what I'm not going to be able to enjoy.
I'm this way with love and attention too. I think it has roots in growing up as a fat kid. I had to try so hard for people to like me. I'm addicted to the affirmation. Before I recognized the reasons and the patterns I slip into, I lived to entertain. All my life I have felt ignored, unappreciated and basically unseen.
That is why, if you have met me you know, I can't go more than 2 minutes without making a joke. The laughter, the smiles, the nods, the eye contact - they all feed into my bottomless affirmation tank. We were created to desire this, but not from food or man.
I wrote something recently that I think sums up the rest of my feelings.
Thank you for your time and for believing in me, the comments on facebook are so encouraging. Last week was good I worked out 5 out of 7 days and I plan on making this week 6 out of 7. I start my new job this week. I would have started today but school is closed.
Oh yeah, about that - I am officially a Paraeducator at Highland Middle School. Which basically means, I will be working one on one with a student that needs a little bit more attention. I will help him everyday with his class work and serve as a little bit of consistency (AKA Jesus) in his life. Without saying anything about Jesus, I plan to love this kid so hard. I've met him and we are already pals, so I'm excited for this new season. Sidenote - awesome new schedule. I work 7:45 - 2:30. M-F Yeah. I'm into it.
UPDATE - I lost 4 lbs last week for a running total of 6 lbs. So yeah, I should be finding some orange leaf sometime this week. (:
Love you guys, toodles.
