For those of you who know me, you probably know that it is really difficult for me to share about my experience on the World Race. This isn't because I don't want to share it with anyone. It is because I have a really hard time with the questions I'm asked. I don't feel like telling you my favorite food is going to help you understand anything about the year I spent growing and changing. I don't know how telling you how much weight I lost is going to tie into the relationships I made in 10+ cities all around the world.
It's hard.
My heart still aches to share with everyone I come in contact with, just one glimpse into my experience but every time I have the opportunity - I become an inarticulate mess. Part of this is knowing that I realistically only have 3 minutes of your attention before you pull out your phone or your mind starts moving on to other things. But the other HUGE part of it is that I haven't allowed myself to fully mourn 2013.
In my mind, it will always be the year that changed me. It was the year I received the unwanted gift of community. It was the year that presented me with something uncomfortable at least once a day. It was the year I had to learn to let go over and over. It was the year I saw the Father working in every detail because I had my eyes open to see it. It was the year I was FORCED to trust him with my life.
I missed my family and friends for an entire year while I was gone. There wasn't a day I didn't want to fly home and cuddle my dog and eat my weight in taco bell. Now after spending a year at home I can honestly say, I don't have the same sense of home. It's hard to tell people that. It's hard to explain that you don't feel at home in your own bedroom. It's so hard to explain that leaving a second time would be a relief to the constant desire to travel and bring kingdom anywhere but here.
I don't believe that's what's next for me, but it is on my heart at all times. I don't know what's next and I don't think knowing is important. It will come with or without my permission or acknowledgement. What I do believe to be important is to finally allow myself to fully mourn and process my 2013.
I started the process this morning, watching videos put together by one of my extremely talented squadmates. I watched SO many of them, but this one stuck out to me. I watched it three times and cried through the ENTIRE thing three times in row.
I want to share it with you, not because I'm in every shot but because these are all clips of what it is to be a missionary. The African church clips are all from my favorite church in Rwanda. My beautiful pastor and her congregation. I cannot tell you how sad it was to leave and I think that's where my processing will begin, because I was sure I would be going back and now I don't know when that will be.
You might also be wondering why this is coming up now. That's a valid question.
Today marks one year that I've been home from the race. I realized yesterday looking at my calendar and it hit me like a ton of bricks. December 6th was a day I used to fantasize about and seeing it again on the calendar released a physical response and I instantly started weeping.
So I kind of decided that I should probably start dealing with this. lol
So that's where I'm at and with that, I'm pleased to present this gorgeous video put together by my good friend, Scott Kwak.
xXxXxXxClick Here for the Video!!xXxXxXx
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
The Take Away (fb hiatus part 3)
So, I'm just going to jump right into this post instead of making it pretty, because AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT!
Things I need and Things I need to let go of:
1. Community - NEED
After about a minute of processing I realized that I was lacking community. I desperately need a community. On the race I didn't appreciate it and now I can't seem to find it.
What does that even mean, Taylor? Good Question, glad you asked.
Community to me - Like minded individuals who want and expect the best for each other. These people should know you and you should know them. This takes work. This takes dedication. There should be no condescension or judgement.
2.Expectations and Entitlement - LET IT GO
Earlier this year, I made strides to become a part of a community and then when it wasn't what I wanted it to be, I left it. I came up with excuses to validate this in my mind and to them. When really, if you want to be a part of something, you'll find a way to make it work.
Let's be honest.
The problem I had was that I had expectations going into all of it. I thought it would be great. I thought that everyone would want to grow and go through all the tough stuff together. I thought it would be similar to the race, at least a little. I felt entitled to it, even. Entitlement is a sneaky badger that gets me when I least expect it.
3. Writing - NEED
The Lord challenged me about this time last year to write something (anything) every day. It is one of the number one ways that I process. Sometimes I don't understand my feelings until I've taken time to write. It's also a major pathway he uses to speak to me. How am I to listen when I'm not giving him a chance to speak?
Somewhere along the line I was fed the lie that my voice is unimportant and that I am a bad writer. I stopped writing consistently and it has been a sad quiet time in my life. I can NO LONGER AFFORD to avoid it. So I'm going to have to start enforcing a consistent time every day.
4. Non life - giving relationships - LET IT GO
This one is so hard. As an ENFP, I am wired to people please. I don't like hurting people, I don't like saying no to people.. etc. HOWEVER, the reality is my health is more important than a few people's feelings. God highlighted a few areas in my life that needed some cleaning out and those areas involved people who enable and people who are consistently negative in some aspect.
This isn't a "I'm better than you, we can't be friends" moment. It's a, "I love you and I respect that you are going through your own battles, for both of our sakes, we need to take a break and reevaluate our relationship" moment. The thing I didn't think about until about last weekend was that I'm not just hurting MYSELF, I'm not healthy for the other person either. MINDBLOWN. Staying in these relationships is selfish and self-sabotaging.
LET IT GO.
Last but not least,
5. A way to maintain relationships with my friends around the world. - NEED
Yup, you guessed it! This is where facebook comes into play. After spending a year with some of the most incredible humans, we were all (cruelly) scattered. Facebook is a way to maintain these life-giving relationships and still be filled up by people.
Not that I owe ANY ONE an explanation, but that is why I am back on facebook.
Thanks for sticking it out with me, yall.
I'm excited to see what comes of these revelations as my actions begin to align with my heart shiftings. (Marielle term)
Things I need and Things I need to let go of:
1. Community - NEED
After about a minute of processing I realized that I was lacking community. I desperately need a community. On the race I didn't appreciate it and now I can't seem to find it.
What does that even mean, Taylor? Good Question, glad you asked.
Community to me - Like minded individuals who want and expect the best for each other. These people should know you and you should know them. This takes work. This takes dedication. There should be no condescension or judgement.
2.Expectations and Entitlement - LET IT GO
Earlier this year, I made strides to become a part of a community and then when it wasn't what I wanted it to be, I left it. I came up with excuses to validate this in my mind and to them. When really, if you want to be a part of something, you'll find a way to make it work.
Let's be honest.
The problem I had was that I had expectations going into all of it. I thought it would be great. I thought that everyone would want to grow and go through all the tough stuff together. I thought it would be similar to the race, at least a little. I felt entitled to it, even. Entitlement is a sneaky badger that gets me when I least expect it.
3. Writing - NEED
The Lord challenged me about this time last year to write something (anything) every day. It is one of the number one ways that I process. Sometimes I don't understand my feelings until I've taken time to write. It's also a major pathway he uses to speak to me. How am I to listen when I'm not giving him a chance to speak?
Somewhere along the line I was fed the lie that my voice is unimportant and that I am a bad writer. I stopped writing consistently and it has been a sad quiet time in my life. I can NO LONGER AFFORD to avoid it. So I'm going to have to start enforcing a consistent time every day.
4. Non life - giving relationships - LET IT GO
This one is so hard. As an ENFP, I am wired to people please. I don't like hurting people, I don't like saying no to people.. etc. HOWEVER, the reality is my health is more important than a few people's feelings. God highlighted a few areas in my life that needed some cleaning out and those areas involved people who enable and people who are consistently negative in some aspect.
This isn't a "I'm better than you, we can't be friends" moment. It's a, "I love you and I respect that you are going through your own battles, for both of our sakes, we need to take a break and reevaluate our relationship" moment. The thing I didn't think about until about last weekend was that I'm not just hurting MYSELF, I'm not healthy for the other person either. MINDBLOWN. Staying in these relationships is selfish and self-sabotaging.
LET IT GO.
Last but not least,
5. A way to maintain relationships with my friends around the world. - NEED
Yup, you guessed it! This is where facebook comes into play. After spending a year with some of the most incredible humans, we were all (cruelly) scattered. Facebook is a way to maintain these life-giving relationships and still be filled up by people.
Not that I owe ANY ONE an explanation, but that is why I am back on facebook.
Thanks for sticking it out with me, yall.
I'm excited to see what comes of these revelations as my actions begin to align with my heart shiftings. (Marielle term)
Friday, October 17, 2014
FB Hiatus (continued)
Part 2
While I was away from facebook, I started journaling a lot about my life now and my life last year on the race. When I compared the two, there were a lot of similarities and differences I did not expect to find. After sorting these things out into neat little columns, it still didn't make sense.
My thoughts went a little something like this:
I am genuinely unhappy.
I have all the things I missed while I was away.
I have all the comforts I dreamed of, while I was gone.
Shouldn't I be reasonably happy?
While I thought on this I zoned out a little and when I (for lack of better words) came to, I was surprised to see that I had filled the page with words that depicted the things in my life currently.
These are a few of the positives:
Sunrises, laughter, tears, long drives, prayer, eating, sleeping, coffee, parks&rec, more laughter, laugh-crying, family time, worship, quiet moments, God whispers, adventure, phone calls, cuddles, couches, ice cream, cereal and ramen(not together), writing, more driving, good friends, domestic animals.
These are a few of the negatives:
Netflix-Binging, gossip, self-comforting, doubt, self-hate, social media, weightgain, (yeah, I wrote that. AS ONE WORD, like it's an activity I've been partaking in), pointless conversation, nothingness, purposelessness, wishing to be somewhere else, general annoyance with Christians, emptiness, hermity-ness.
As I looked at this page I started feeling a deep sadness take over my body from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers, then shooting down my legs. It took me over and I just sat paralyzed in fear. I had no idea what was going on.
My body was reacting the same way it did when I first came home from the race.
Confusion.
Shock.
Denial.
Am I really here? In this place? right now? Where is my identity now?
I had been fighting so hard to break these walls and habits and general negative traits. I've done a lot of work over the course of the past 3 years.
Did I manage to reverse it all?
(SHORT ANSWER, NO)
Now of course this wasn't true, but it felt true in that moment and I was devastated.
Living in America, is challenging. Now before all of you jump on me for being ungrateful: SHUT YOUR BUTT! I've said this before but I need to say it again. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of the world. It may be (IS) incredibly easy, in comparison.
HOWEVER, we face a different struggle. That struggle is the beautiful gift of freedom.
We. Are. So. Challenged. by this freedom.
We don't have to fight for our right to follow Jesus. We don't have to hide our faith. (Although sometimes other Christians might make you want to.)
On a greater level we can generally find clean water anywhere we go. Also, I'm allowed to work and have an income and own things. There are so many things we take for granted and I understand that it is completely ridiculous to say life is hard; because in comparison, no it isn't.
But this freedom comes with a cost, I have sank back into the same routine I was in before I was shown what REAL Freedom in Christ looks like.
God gave me an illustration. He's really good at those.
I'm a scrappy little kid, digging through the trash looking for an old costume that my parents threw away. I found it and it was disgusting. It had weird indistinguishable stains and rips all over it. I put it on, my feet busted the seams at the bottom and the sleeves that once covered half my hand, now only reached to my elbows. With every step, like the incredible hulk, I ripped it to shreds.
I had outgrown it.
But I did NOT want to take it off. In my closet hung a brand new beautiful costume that would definitely look awesome. But I was comfortable in the old one.
Living for Christ in America, is not difficult because we have to hide it or risk being shunned by anyone. It is difficult because it is uncomfortable. It's not easy and it doesn't offer instant gratification. It is comfortable and safe to adjust to life in America. It is easy to slip back into patterns that help you blend in with the world. I would even say it is natural, as human beings, to assimilate to the culture we're submerged in.
But the true unmatched freedom I experienced when I was truly living*, is worth the fight. So I had to figure out what I needed, that I no longer had and also what I needed to let go of.
PART 3 to come soon.
*not a typo. I don't mean "living for Christ". I actually just mean living or existing/functioning
While I was away from facebook, I started journaling a lot about my life now and my life last year on the race. When I compared the two, there were a lot of similarities and differences I did not expect to find. After sorting these things out into neat little columns, it still didn't make sense.
My thoughts went a little something like this:
I am genuinely unhappy.
I have all the things I missed while I was away.
I have all the comforts I dreamed of, while I was gone.
Shouldn't I be reasonably happy?
While I thought on this I zoned out a little and when I (for lack of better words) came to, I was surprised to see that I had filled the page with words that depicted the things in my life currently.
These are a few of the positives:
Sunrises, laughter, tears, long drives, prayer, eating, sleeping, coffee, parks&rec, more laughter, laugh-crying, family time, worship, quiet moments, God whispers, adventure, phone calls, cuddles, couches, ice cream, cereal and ramen(not together), writing, more driving, good friends, domestic animals.
These are a few of the negatives:
Netflix-Binging, gossip, self-comforting, doubt, self-hate, social media, weightgain, (yeah, I wrote that. AS ONE WORD, like it's an activity I've been partaking in), pointless conversation, nothingness, purposelessness, wishing to be somewhere else, general annoyance with Christians, emptiness, hermity-ness.
As I looked at this page I started feeling a deep sadness take over my body from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers, then shooting down my legs. It took me over and I just sat paralyzed in fear. I had no idea what was going on.
My body was reacting the same way it did when I first came home from the race.
Confusion.
Shock.
Denial.
Am I really here? In this place? right now? Where is my identity now?
I had been fighting so hard to break these walls and habits and general negative traits. I've done a lot of work over the course of the past 3 years.
Did I manage to reverse it all?
(SHORT ANSWER, NO)
Now of course this wasn't true, but it felt true in that moment and I was devastated.
Living in America, is challenging. Now before all of you jump on me for being ungrateful: SHUT YOUR BUTT! I've said this before but I need to say it again. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of the world. It may be (IS) incredibly easy, in comparison.
HOWEVER, we face a different struggle. That struggle is the beautiful gift of freedom.
We. Are. So. Challenged. by this freedom.
We don't have to fight for our right to follow Jesus. We don't have to hide our faith. (Although sometimes other Christians might make you want to.)
On a greater level we can generally find clean water anywhere we go. Also, I'm allowed to work and have an income and own things. There are so many things we take for granted and I understand that it is completely ridiculous to say life is hard; because in comparison, no it isn't.
But this freedom comes with a cost, I have sank back into the same routine I was in before I was shown what REAL Freedom in Christ looks like.
God gave me an illustration. He's really good at those.
I'm a scrappy little kid, digging through the trash looking for an old costume that my parents threw away. I found it and it was disgusting. It had weird indistinguishable stains and rips all over it. I put it on, my feet busted the seams at the bottom and the sleeves that once covered half my hand, now only reached to my elbows. With every step, like the incredible hulk, I ripped it to shreds.
I had outgrown it.
But I did NOT want to take it off. In my closet hung a brand new beautiful costume that would definitely look awesome. But I was comfortable in the old one.
Living for Christ in America, is not difficult because we have to hide it or risk being shunned by anyone. It is difficult because it is uncomfortable. It's not easy and it doesn't offer instant gratification. It is comfortable and safe to adjust to life in America. It is easy to slip back into patterns that help you blend in with the world. I would even say it is natural, as human beings, to assimilate to the culture we're submerged in.
But the true unmatched freedom I experienced when I was truly living*, is worth the fight. So I had to figure out what I needed, that I no longer had and also what I needed to let go of.
PART 3 to come soon.
*not a typo. I don't mean "living for Christ". I actually just mean living or existing/functioning
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Facebook Hiatus (part one)
Originally I thought
this would be a couple months; it actually ended up being exactly three weeks. I didn't
expect to learn much of anything. Honestly, I went into this thinking I would figure
out maybe how to get work done and get a routine in place; maybe even manage
free time. God always has bigger plans than I do... so surprise He had another
idea and what I learned in those three weeks - is invaluable.
The first thing I
noticed was that I was a lot less annoyed all the time. I had less material to
use to form opinions about people. When I removed myself from the literal
highlight reel, I stopped comparing myself to them.
I've always struggled
with a spirit of comparison. But it wasn't until myspace and Facebook came
around that I stopped comparing just my body and began comparing experiences. I
see people having kids, going to parties, traveling, getting married,
graduating, eating ice cream.. and instead of celebrating with them or
"liking" the picture. (Not everyone, or every post - give me some
credit) I get jealous and I ask God why not me? What is MY life?
But the beauty of
removing myself from this constant highlight reel, is that it created a space
for me to listen. When I did, God so calmly and pointedly whispered life into
me.
Why are you
discounting this process we're in?
There is beauty in
the struggle, a beauty that isn't easily represented in Instagram form. This
season is not cute. It's much deeper than that. Change your focus my sweet
child. You are in this place, in this moment, in this situation for a reason.
Celebrate this valley! You are so precious to me. This chiseling hurts now, but
I promise you, the end is near and you will walk so much lighter afterwards.
This struck me like a
weary traveler returning to land, I felt something so comforting and reassuring.
It was peace. It was a solid ground I could stand on, once again. I have walked
around with this hope that something good is coming for about 9 months now, but
until that little whisper I had no inclination that I was being worked on. I
just thought I was involved in some sort of commercial break; just waiting
patiently and not flipping channels. That seems like enough work to me. Ha! No.
Side note: One thing
I’m also learning is that God doesn’t waste our time.
& with that I
will leave you today, because I’m about to celebrate one of my dearest
childhood friend’s wedding!!
Part two will follow shortly. (:
Monday, June 23, 2014
Things I don't understand
When I come to a blank in creativity, I make lists.
This is what came of today's creative block.
Things I will NEVER understand.
1. Turtle. Neck. Sweaters.
2. Going to Panera for something other than Broccoli Cheddar Soup.
3. There are people who exist that do not wish to have the capability of flying.
4. God's thoughts on Mosquitos
5. People who think they can choose their own Nickname.
6. Dots - the candy.
7. Saunas
8. The wal-mart check out system.
9. Racism
10. Bleaching parts of your body that outside of intense inspection will never be seen.
I will expand further on these points at a later date.
This is what came of today's creative block.
Things I will NEVER understand.
1. Turtle. Neck. Sweaters.
2. Going to Panera for something other than Broccoli Cheddar Soup.
3. There are people who exist that do not wish to have the capability of flying.
4. God's thoughts on Mosquitos
5. People who think they can choose their own Nickname.
6. Dots - the candy.
7. Saunas
8. The wal-mart check out system.
9. Racism
10. Bleaching parts of your body that outside of intense inspection will never be seen.
I will expand further on these points at a later date.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Today
I could write about how poorly I have behaved over the last 3 months.
But I'd rather just talk about today.
Today - I want to start over.
Today - I want to be whole.
Today - I want to feel better.
Today - I want to be held accountable.
Today - I am desperate for friendships of substance.
Today - I need a mentor.
Today - I want to be pushed outside my comfort zone.
Today - I am annoyed and frustrated with my inability to eat responsibly.
Today - I ate 2 times as much as I should have.
Today - I will intend to go to the gym but instead I will cry on my bed and look at the disaster around me and feel overwhelmed and refuse help.
Today - I don't know what to do.
Today - I am honest and I admit I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.
But I'd rather just talk about today.
Today - I want to start over.
Today - I want to be whole.
Today - I want to feel better.
Today - I want to be held accountable.
Today - I am desperate for friendships of substance.
Today - I need a mentor.
Today - I want to be pushed outside my comfort zone.
Today - I am annoyed and frustrated with my inability to eat responsibly.
Today - I ate 2 times as much as I should have.
Today - I will intend to go to the gym but instead I will cry on my bed and look at the disaster around me and feel overwhelmed and refuse help.
Today - I don't know what to do.
Today - I am honest and I admit I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Irrelevant Ramblings
Today is dreary. All I can think about is going to Heaven. I’ve never (honestly) wanted to go to Heaven. I think that probably makes me a bad Christian, or maybe just a human. But today I imagined that it is probably way better than I could even think of. It’s outside of our realm of thinking. Have you ever heard that country song that says “if Heaven was a pie, it would be cherry,”? How dreadful that Heaven must be for anyone who dislikes cherry.. haha I’m just kidding.
But I do get what he’s saying in the song. I think he is trying to convey those things that bring you bliss that aren’t ‘things’. He talks about twilight and lightning bugs and mama’s laughter. For me, I think the closest experience I’ve had to Heaven would be coming home from the race. Now before you lose your mind and remind me that you paid for my trip, let me explain.
There is something so magical about coming home, for me. I’m not talking about a physical house. I don’t believe home is where you lay your head, necessarily. I believe that it is where your heart is. (Yes, I know how cheesy I sound right now) But really, coming home has been one of the most insane and beautiful experiences. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed, as when I walked down the airplane connection tunnel to find my family poking their heads around the corner.
It was all I could do to continue standing. It’s bringing tears to my eyes as I’m typing this and the evening that followed was more of the same. I walked into my house, the smells, the furniture, my dog, the kitchen, my bed...all of them so inviting. The one thing they all conveyed was comfort. I think that’s the major thing, I searched for in each new country I lived in and immersed myself in.
Today, I was thinking back to my time in India. We were preaching at a church and before the service we walked around the village to pray for people. On the road we came across a little old lady who was on her way, very slowly, to the church. She heard that we were coming and she wasn’t gonna miss her chance to be prayed for. Her family found her walking and ushered her back to their home. We went to their house and began talking to the family and found out she was 114 years old.
She said she wanted to know why she was still alive. She begged, everyday, for God to take her. At this point in the race, we were in the final month. I related so much with this woman because I too prayed everyday to get sent home. I think the feeling, although much more desperate on her end, is the same. I think what I’m feeling now is homesickness. While I was gone I experienced the most authentic love and a very real, very tangible grace. I had to depend on Jesus more than I’ve ever been able to.
Now that my eyes have been opened, nothing that is not saturated in him satisfies.
I can never be in a non- Christ centered relationship again. It feels dirty, it’s boring and quite honestly I deserve nothing LESS than a Christ centered relationship. Food doesn’t satisfy, I can no longer finish a pop larger than a can and not feel sick. Attention doesn’t fuel me any longer. These are all things I used to thrive on, or so I thought.
I don’t really know where to go from here, but this is where I am.
I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I feel it’s still relevant and this is MY blog and I do what I want. ;)
Also, I’ve completely fallen off the wagon again. It’s a dark scary hole. But I see the light and I have confidence that I’ll make it back on in the next couple of days.
But I do get what he’s saying in the song. I think he is trying to convey those things that bring you bliss that aren’t ‘things’. He talks about twilight and lightning bugs and mama’s laughter. For me, I think the closest experience I’ve had to Heaven would be coming home from the race. Now before you lose your mind and remind me that you paid for my trip, let me explain.
There is something so magical about coming home, for me. I’m not talking about a physical house. I don’t believe home is where you lay your head, necessarily. I believe that it is where your heart is. (Yes, I know how cheesy I sound right now) But really, coming home has been one of the most insane and beautiful experiences. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed, as when I walked down the airplane connection tunnel to find my family poking their heads around the corner.
It was all I could do to continue standing. It’s bringing tears to my eyes as I’m typing this and the evening that followed was more of the same. I walked into my house, the smells, the furniture, my dog, the kitchen, my bed...all of them so inviting. The one thing they all conveyed was comfort. I think that’s the major thing, I searched for in each new country I lived in and immersed myself in.
Today, I was thinking back to my time in India. We were preaching at a church and before the service we walked around the village to pray for people. On the road we came across a little old lady who was on her way, very slowly, to the church. She heard that we were coming and she wasn’t gonna miss her chance to be prayed for. Her family found her walking and ushered her back to their home. We went to their house and began talking to the family and found out she was 114 years old.
She said she wanted to know why she was still alive. She begged, everyday, for God to take her. At this point in the race, we were in the final month. I related so much with this woman because I too prayed everyday to get sent home. I think the feeling, although much more desperate on her end, is the same. I think what I’m feeling now is homesickness. While I was gone I experienced the most authentic love and a very real, very tangible grace. I had to depend on Jesus more than I’ve ever been able to.
Now that my eyes have been opened, nothing that is not saturated in him satisfies.
I can never be in a non- Christ centered relationship again. It feels dirty, it’s boring and quite honestly I deserve nothing LESS than a Christ centered relationship. Food doesn’t satisfy, I can no longer finish a pop larger than a can and not feel sick. Attention doesn’t fuel me any longer. These are all things I used to thrive on, or so I thought.
I don’t really know where to go from here, but this is where I am.
I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I feel it’s still relevant and this is MY blog and I do what I want. ;)
Also, I’ve completely fallen off the wagon again. It’s a dark scary hole. But I see the light and I have confidence that I’ll make it back on in the next couple of days.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Make it Go Away.
Guess what?!
I've been in a funk.
It's the lamest of the lame.
As I mentioned previously, I think, I have been pretty disappointed by the fact that I've lost ZERO pounds for a while. So add to that a feeling of helplessness that I've picked up from working with a bunch of kids in horrible situations. Mon-Fri, plus this STUPID weather, I know this is strange for me, I LOVE SNOW, I LOVE COLD, but it's too much. It's like a bad clingy boyfriend, it needs to go away so I can miss it...anyway - It has begun to take it's toll.
I've found that this FUNK is probably also on account of Jesus and I not speaking for a while. I don't know what it is about being home, but it is SO hard to get ANY alone time with him. I find ways to busy myself at all times. I stop to pray pretty often, but actually listening or singing or writing or ANYTHING else - NOPE.
Just a wall of white noise. This of course is my doing. Just to go further into my mind here as an excerpt of the post I was going to put up a while ago.
This was written at least 2 weeks ago.
"So after a week of trying out slim fast and keeping up with working out 5 days a week, I've gained another 3 lbs.
That's beyond frustrating when I know how far I need to go.
On the reals though, the equate slim fast tastes pretty good and it was filling for about 5 hours in the morning, but the lunch time shake was not cutting it for me.
I'm slowly taking steps against the food addiction thing, but only allowing myself one real meal a day is painful and honestly I end up eating more than I should because I think I'm starving.
I also tried packing snacks for work like cheese sticks, turkey slices, fruit.. I think it just added to my rage. One day, I drove to speedway on my break for a diet Pepsi (which I love and look forward to) and I left with a chicken sandwich and no cold pop. I was blinded by the hangry..
I think if I were already at my goal weight it would be a great thing. But because I have so far to go, I think I need more discipline. So I'm back to straight calorie counting.
Also I've recently had a hard time staying motivated at the gym.. Anyone have any suggestions? I really love planet fitness and I've really gotten into the 30 minute express and the 12 minute ab circuit, but 45 minutes on the elliptical is now something I dread."
All of that aside.
(back to real time)
I think my next step is to seek out time alone with God. SO (accountability fiends, get ready) I wish to be repeatedly prompted to date Jesus this month. Thank you, ahead of time for your support. (:
and with that I'll pass.
I've been in a funk.
It's the lamest of the lame.
As I mentioned previously, I think, I have been pretty disappointed by the fact that I've lost ZERO pounds for a while. So add to that a feeling of helplessness that I've picked up from working with a bunch of kids in horrible situations. Mon-Fri, plus this STUPID weather, I know this is strange for me, I LOVE SNOW, I LOVE COLD, but it's too much. It's like a bad clingy boyfriend, it needs to go away so I can miss it...anyway - It has begun to take it's toll.
I've found that this FUNK is probably also on account of Jesus and I not speaking for a while. I don't know what it is about being home, but it is SO hard to get ANY alone time with him. I find ways to busy myself at all times. I stop to pray pretty often, but actually listening or singing or writing or ANYTHING else - NOPE.
Just a wall of white noise. This of course is my doing. Just to go further into my mind here as an excerpt of the post I was going to put up a while ago.
This was written at least 2 weeks ago.
"So after a week of trying out slim fast and keeping up with working out 5 days a week, I've gained another 3 lbs.
That's beyond frustrating when I know how far I need to go.
On the reals though, the equate slim fast tastes pretty good and it was filling for about 5 hours in the morning, but the lunch time shake was not cutting it for me.
I'm slowly taking steps against the food addiction thing, but only allowing myself one real meal a day is painful and honestly I end up eating more than I should because I think I'm starving.
I also tried packing snacks for work like cheese sticks, turkey slices, fruit.. I think it just added to my rage. One day, I drove to speedway on my break for a diet Pepsi (which I love and look forward to) and I left with a chicken sandwich and no cold pop. I was blinded by the hangry..
I think if I were already at my goal weight it would be a great thing. But because I have so far to go, I think I need more discipline. So I'm back to straight calorie counting.
Also I've recently had a hard time staying motivated at the gym.. Anyone have any suggestions? I really love planet fitness and I've really gotten into the 30 minute express and the 12 minute ab circuit, but 45 minutes on the elliptical is now something I dread."
All of that aside.
(back to real time)
I think my next step is to seek out time alone with God. SO (accountability fiends, get ready) I wish to be repeatedly prompted to date Jesus this month. Thank you, ahead of time for your support. (:
and with that I'll pass.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
This Always Happens
This always happens. I do really good for a short amount of time and SOMETHING sneaks its way into my brain and psyches me out. Luckily, I’m really determined this time. What psyched me out? Great Question - Answer: I weighed in this week and after working out for 6 days straight and following my calorie count, my weight has not budged. Scratch that, I think I may have gained.
So I realized over the last two days that this tiny little lie has crept in that I am failing. I actually AM aware that this is not true and that ever single step I take towards my health IS success. It’s just hard not to be discouraged when you look forward to it all week, thinking you’ve made some drastic change. But I have to remind myself that this isn’t about a number on the scale.
This is long term, this is about overcoming my addiction.
This is about pursuing health in every aspect.
Not just physical.
So maybe the scale is showing no mercy this week, but I DO feel better and I think I look better. Maybe it’s in my mind, but I think I’m still losing and my body is just confused.
Whatever it is, I have to be okay with it. God has me where he wants me right now.
On another note, this month I’ve started Slim Fast...well the generic version at least. Today was day 1. It went really well as far as I can tell. I wasn’t hungry until after my workout, so around 5pm. I’m still using myfitnesspal as well. So we’ll see how this week goes. But if the scale still doesn’t budge I might see about something else.
Oh, I meant to update you on my board of accountability partners earlier so some of these are a week or two old. But I asked them how things were going, here are their answers.
Rhonda: "A little thrown off by my new work schedule."
Morgan: "For once I'm sticking to something and I'm very encouraged."
Sammy Jo: "Probably an A"
Emily: "I actually do enjoy this whole learning about my foods and what I put in my body and trying new exercises, I just wish I had more time!"
Justine: "I pooped Satan's Baby today."
Also, my dad is officially added to the accountability board and his response was:
"Focused and Determined, and this time I'll keep it off!" - said in Grinch voice.
Yeah, I'll leave you with that.
and just so we're all clear, I'm okay. I just never want to sugar coat anything or act like I'm not frustrated or struggling... okay, rant over. (lol sugar coat... I wouldn't have room for those calories.)
Toodles!
So I realized over the last two days that this tiny little lie has crept in that I am failing. I actually AM aware that this is not true and that ever single step I take towards my health IS success. It’s just hard not to be discouraged when you look forward to it all week, thinking you’ve made some drastic change. But I have to remind myself that this isn’t about a number on the scale.
This is long term, this is about overcoming my addiction.
This is about pursuing health in every aspect.
Not just physical.
So maybe the scale is showing no mercy this week, but I DO feel better and I think I look better. Maybe it’s in my mind, but I think I’m still losing and my body is just confused.
Whatever it is, I have to be okay with it. God has me where he wants me right now.
On another note, this month I’ve started Slim Fast...well the generic version at least. Today was day 1. It went really well as far as I can tell. I wasn’t hungry until after my workout, so around 5pm. I’m still using myfitnesspal as well. So we’ll see how this week goes. But if the scale still doesn’t budge I might see about something else.
Oh, I meant to update you on my board of accountability partners earlier so some of these are a week or two old. But I asked them how things were going, here are their answers.
Rhonda: "A little thrown off by my new work schedule."
Morgan: "For once I'm sticking to something and I'm very encouraged."
Sammy Jo: "Probably an A"
Emily: "I actually do enjoy this whole learning about my foods and what I put in my body and trying new exercises, I just wish I had more time!"
Justine: "I pooped Satan's Baby today."
Also, my dad is officially added to the accountability board and his response was:
"Focused and Determined, and this time I'll keep it off!" - said in Grinch voice.
Yeah, I'll leave you with that.
and just so we're all clear, I'm okay. I just never want to sugar coat anything or act like I'm not frustrated or struggling... okay, rant over. (lol sugar coat... I wouldn't have room for those calories.)
Toodles!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Intimacy issues..
I've always said that I don't have an addictive personality. I've never had a problem with alcohol or tobacco. I've used them socially for a couple years now and never had a second thought about them. I like beer, a lot. I enjoy it every once in a while when my calories allow it or if I've just had a really awesome workout. But I've honestly never even craved either one.
But when I think about the behaviors of an addicts, it becomes much more relative. For the purpose of vulnerability I'll just say it, food is one of a few of my addictions. But because it isn't alcohol or tobacco or drugs I overlook it. It's not hurting anyone else, right? I'm not putting anyone else in danger. It doesn't cloud my judgment, orrrr does it?
Have you ever heard of the term Hangry? The first time I heard this was on the race, one of my teammates was about to bite our heads off because she was hungry. I may not get to the point of wanting to punch a baby, but it does alter my mood.
I have planned days around food, because I look forward to eating. Now that I'm counting calories, it's almost worse. I'm forced to think about it constantly. So now when I'm not eating, I'm stressing about what I'm not going to be able to enjoy.
I'm this way with love and attention too. I think it has roots in growing up as a fat kid. I had to try so hard for people to like me. I'm addicted to the affirmation. Before I recognized the reasons and the patterns I slip into, I lived to entertain. All my life I have felt ignored, unappreciated and basically unseen.
That is why, if you have met me you know, I can't go more than 2 minutes without making a joke. The laughter, the smiles, the nods, the eye contact - they all feed into my bottomless affirmation tank. We were created to desire this, but not from food or man.
I wrote something recently that I think sums up the rest of my feelings.
Thank you for your time and for believing in me, the comments on facebook are so encouraging. Last week was good I worked out 5 out of 7 days and I plan on making this week 6 out of 7. I start my new job this week. I would have started today but school is closed.
Oh yeah, about that - I am officially a Paraeducator at Highland Middle School. Which basically means, I will be working one on one with a student that needs a little bit more attention. I will help him everyday with his class work and serve as a little bit of consistency (AKA Jesus) in his life. Without saying anything about Jesus, I plan to love this kid so hard. I've met him and we are already pals, so I'm excited for this new season. Sidenote - awesome new schedule. I work 7:45 - 2:30. M-F Yeah. I'm into it.
UPDATE - I lost 4 lbs last week for a running total of 6 lbs. So yeah, I should be finding some orange leaf sometime this week. (:
Love you guys, toodles.
But when I think about the behaviors of an addicts, it becomes much more relative. For the purpose of vulnerability I'll just say it, food is one of a few of my addictions. But because it isn't alcohol or tobacco or drugs I overlook it. It's not hurting anyone else, right? I'm not putting anyone else in danger. It doesn't cloud my judgment, orrrr does it?
Have you ever heard of the term Hangry? The first time I heard this was on the race, one of my teammates was about to bite our heads off because she was hungry. I may not get to the point of wanting to punch a baby, but it does alter my mood.
I have planned days around food, because I look forward to eating. Now that I'm counting calories, it's almost worse. I'm forced to think about it constantly. So now when I'm not eating, I'm stressing about what I'm not going to be able to enjoy.
I'm this way with love and attention too. I think it has roots in growing up as a fat kid. I had to try so hard for people to like me. I'm addicted to the affirmation. Before I recognized the reasons and the patterns I slip into, I lived to entertain. All my life I have felt ignored, unappreciated and basically unseen.
That is why, if you have met me you know, I can't go more than 2 minutes without making a joke. The laughter, the smiles, the nods, the eye contact - they all feed into my bottomless affirmation tank. We were created to desire this, but not from food or man.
I wrote something recently that I think sums up the rest of my feelings.
Thank you for your time and for believing in me, the comments on facebook are so encouraging. Last week was good I worked out 5 out of 7 days and I plan on making this week 6 out of 7. I start my new job this week. I would have started today but school is closed.
Oh yeah, about that - I am officially a Paraeducator at Highland Middle School. Which basically means, I will be working one on one with a student that needs a little bit more attention. I will help him everyday with his class work and serve as a little bit of consistency (AKA Jesus) in his life. Without saying anything about Jesus, I plan to love this kid so hard. I've met him and we are already pals, so I'm excited for this new season. Sidenote - awesome new schedule. I work 7:45 - 2:30. M-F Yeah. I'm into it.
UPDATE - I lost 4 lbs last week for a running total of 6 lbs. So yeah, I should be finding some orange leaf sometime this week. (:
Love you guys, toodles.
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