When I come to a blank in creativity, I make lists.
This is what came of today's creative block.
Things I will NEVER understand.
1. Turtle. Neck. Sweaters.
2. Going to Panera for something other than Broccoli Cheddar Soup.
3. There are people who exist that do not wish to have the capability of flying.
4. God's thoughts on Mosquitos
5. People who think they can choose their own Nickname.
6. Dots - the candy.
7. Saunas
8. The wal-mart check out system.
9. Racism
10. Bleaching parts of your body that outside of intense inspection will never be seen.
I will expand further on these points at a later date.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Today
I could write about how poorly I have behaved over the last 3 months.
But I'd rather just talk about today.
Today - I want to start over.
Today - I want to be whole.
Today - I want to feel better.
Today - I want to be held accountable.
Today - I am desperate for friendships of substance.
Today - I need a mentor.
Today - I want to be pushed outside my comfort zone.
Today - I am annoyed and frustrated with my inability to eat responsibly.
Today - I ate 2 times as much as I should have.
Today - I will intend to go to the gym but instead I will cry on my bed and look at the disaster around me and feel overwhelmed and refuse help.
Today - I don't know what to do.
Today - I am honest and I admit I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.
But I'd rather just talk about today.
Today - I want to start over.
Today - I want to be whole.
Today - I want to feel better.
Today - I want to be held accountable.
Today - I am desperate for friendships of substance.
Today - I need a mentor.
Today - I want to be pushed outside my comfort zone.
Today - I am annoyed and frustrated with my inability to eat responsibly.
Today - I ate 2 times as much as I should have.
Today - I will intend to go to the gym but instead I will cry on my bed and look at the disaster around me and feel overwhelmed and refuse help.
Today - I don't know what to do.
Today - I am honest and I admit I have a problem and I don't know how to deal with it.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Irrelevant Ramblings
Today is dreary. All I can think about is going to Heaven. I’ve never (honestly) wanted to go to Heaven. I think that probably makes me a bad Christian, or maybe just a human. But today I imagined that it is probably way better than I could even think of. It’s outside of our realm of thinking. Have you ever heard that country song that says “if Heaven was a pie, it would be cherry,”? How dreadful that Heaven must be for anyone who dislikes cherry.. haha I’m just kidding.
But I do get what he’s saying in the song. I think he is trying to convey those things that bring you bliss that aren’t ‘things’. He talks about twilight and lightning bugs and mama’s laughter. For me, I think the closest experience I’ve had to Heaven would be coming home from the race. Now before you lose your mind and remind me that you paid for my trip, let me explain.
There is something so magical about coming home, for me. I’m not talking about a physical house. I don’t believe home is where you lay your head, necessarily. I believe that it is where your heart is. (Yes, I know how cheesy I sound right now) But really, coming home has been one of the most insane and beautiful experiences. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed, as when I walked down the airplane connection tunnel to find my family poking their heads around the corner.
It was all I could do to continue standing. It’s bringing tears to my eyes as I’m typing this and the evening that followed was more of the same. I walked into my house, the smells, the furniture, my dog, the kitchen, my bed...all of them so inviting. The one thing they all conveyed was comfort. I think that’s the major thing, I searched for in each new country I lived in and immersed myself in.
Today, I was thinking back to my time in India. We were preaching at a church and before the service we walked around the village to pray for people. On the road we came across a little old lady who was on her way, very slowly, to the church. She heard that we were coming and she wasn’t gonna miss her chance to be prayed for. Her family found her walking and ushered her back to their home. We went to their house and began talking to the family and found out she was 114 years old.
She said she wanted to know why she was still alive. She begged, everyday, for God to take her. At this point in the race, we were in the final month. I related so much with this woman because I too prayed everyday to get sent home. I think the feeling, although much more desperate on her end, is the same. I think what I’m feeling now is homesickness. While I was gone I experienced the most authentic love and a very real, very tangible grace. I had to depend on Jesus more than I’ve ever been able to.
Now that my eyes have been opened, nothing that is not saturated in him satisfies.
I can never be in a non- Christ centered relationship again. It feels dirty, it’s boring and quite honestly I deserve nothing LESS than a Christ centered relationship. Food doesn’t satisfy, I can no longer finish a pop larger than a can and not feel sick. Attention doesn’t fuel me any longer. These are all things I used to thrive on, or so I thought.
I don’t really know where to go from here, but this is where I am.
I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I feel it’s still relevant and this is MY blog and I do what I want. ;)
Also, I’ve completely fallen off the wagon again. It’s a dark scary hole. But I see the light and I have confidence that I’ll make it back on in the next couple of days.
But I do get what he’s saying in the song. I think he is trying to convey those things that bring you bliss that aren’t ‘things’. He talks about twilight and lightning bugs and mama’s laughter. For me, I think the closest experience I’ve had to Heaven would be coming home from the race. Now before you lose your mind and remind me that you paid for my trip, let me explain.
There is something so magical about coming home, for me. I’m not talking about a physical house. I don’t believe home is where you lay your head, necessarily. I believe that it is where your heart is. (Yes, I know how cheesy I sound right now) But really, coming home has been one of the most insane and beautiful experiences. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed, as when I walked down the airplane connection tunnel to find my family poking their heads around the corner.
It was all I could do to continue standing. It’s bringing tears to my eyes as I’m typing this and the evening that followed was more of the same. I walked into my house, the smells, the furniture, my dog, the kitchen, my bed...all of them so inviting. The one thing they all conveyed was comfort. I think that’s the major thing, I searched for in each new country I lived in and immersed myself in.
Today, I was thinking back to my time in India. We were preaching at a church and before the service we walked around the village to pray for people. On the road we came across a little old lady who was on her way, very slowly, to the church. She heard that we were coming and she wasn’t gonna miss her chance to be prayed for. Her family found her walking and ushered her back to their home. We went to their house and began talking to the family and found out she was 114 years old.
She said she wanted to know why she was still alive. She begged, everyday, for God to take her. At this point in the race, we were in the final month. I related so much with this woman because I too prayed everyday to get sent home. I think the feeling, although much more desperate on her end, is the same. I think what I’m feeling now is homesickness. While I was gone I experienced the most authentic love and a very real, very tangible grace. I had to depend on Jesus more than I’ve ever been able to.
Now that my eyes have been opened, nothing that is not saturated in him satisfies.
I can never be in a non- Christ centered relationship again. It feels dirty, it’s boring and quite honestly I deserve nothing LESS than a Christ centered relationship. Food doesn’t satisfy, I can no longer finish a pop larger than a can and not feel sick. Attention doesn’t fuel me any longer. These are all things I used to thrive on, or so I thought.
I don’t really know where to go from here, but this is where I am.
I know this has nothing to do with weight loss, but I feel it’s still relevant and this is MY blog and I do what I want. ;)
Also, I’ve completely fallen off the wagon again. It’s a dark scary hole. But I see the light and I have confidence that I’ll make it back on in the next couple of days.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Make it Go Away.
Guess what?!
I've been in a funk.
It's the lamest of the lame.
As I mentioned previously, I think, I have been pretty disappointed by the fact that I've lost ZERO pounds for a while. So add to that a feeling of helplessness that I've picked up from working with a bunch of kids in horrible situations. Mon-Fri, plus this STUPID weather, I know this is strange for me, I LOVE SNOW, I LOVE COLD, but it's too much. It's like a bad clingy boyfriend, it needs to go away so I can miss it...anyway - It has begun to take it's toll.
I've found that this FUNK is probably also on account of Jesus and I not speaking for a while. I don't know what it is about being home, but it is SO hard to get ANY alone time with him. I find ways to busy myself at all times. I stop to pray pretty often, but actually listening or singing or writing or ANYTHING else - NOPE.
Just a wall of white noise. This of course is my doing. Just to go further into my mind here as an excerpt of the post I was going to put up a while ago.
This was written at least 2 weeks ago.
"So after a week of trying out slim fast and keeping up with working out 5 days a week, I've gained another 3 lbs.
That's beyond frustrating when I know how far I need to go.
On the reals though, the equate slim fast tastes pretty good and it was filling for about 5 hours in the morning, but the lunch time shake was not cutting it for me.
I'm slowly taking steps against the food addiction thing, but only allowing myself one real meal a day is painful and honestly I end up eating more than I should because I think I'm starving.
I also tried packing snacks for work like cheese sticks, turkey slices, fruit.. I think it just added to my rage. One day, I drove to speedway on my break for a diet Pepsi (which I love and look forward to) and I left with a chicken sandwich and no cold pop. I was blinded by the hangry..
I think if I were already at my goal weight it would be a great thing. But because I have so far to go, I think I need more discipline. So I'm back to straight calorie counting.
Also I've recently had a hard time staying motivated at the gym.. Anyone have any suggestions? I really love planet fitness and I've really gotten into the 30 minute express and the 12 minute ab circuit, but 45 minutes on the elliptical is now something I dread."
All of that aside.
(back to real time)
I think my next step is to seek out time alone with God. SO (accountability fiends, get ready) I wish to be repeatedly prompted to date Jesus this month. Thank you, ahead of time for your support. (:
and with that I'll pass.
I've been in a funk.
It's the lamest of the lame.
As I mentioned previously, I think, I have been pretty disappointed by the fact that I've lost ZERO pounds for a while. So add to that a feeling of helplessness that I've picked up from working with a bunch of kids in horrible situations. Mon-Fri, plus this STUPID weather, I know this is strange for me, I LOVE SNOW, I LOVE COLD, but it's too much. It's like a bad clingy boyfriend, it needs to go away so I can miss it...anyway - It has begun to take it's toll.
I've found that this FUNK is probably also on account of Jesus and I not speaking for a while. I don't know what it is about being home, but it is SO hard to get ANY alone time with him. I find ways to busy myself at all times. I stop to pray pretty often, but actually listening or singing or writing or ANYTHING else - NOPE.
Just a wall of white noise. This of course is my doing. Just to go further into my mind here as an excerpt of the post I was going to put up a while ago.
This was written at least 2 weeks ago.
"So after a week of trying out slim fast and keeping up with working out 5 days a week, I've gained another 3 lbs.
That's beyond frustrating when I know how far I need to go.
On the reals though, the equate slim fast tastes pretty good and it was filling for about 5 hours in the morning, but the lunch time shake was not cutting it for me.
I'm slowly taking steps against the food addiction thing, but only allowing myself one real meal a day is painful and honestly I end up eating more than I should because I think I'm starving.
I also tried packing snacks for work like cheese sticks, turkey slices, fruit.. I think it just added to my rage. One day, I drove to speedway on my break for a diet Pepsi (which I love and look forward to) and I left with a chicken sandwich and no cold pop. I was blinded by the hangry..
I think if I were already at my goal weight it would be a great thing. But because I have so far to go, I think I need more discipline. So I'm back to straight calorie counting.
Also I've recently had a hard time staying motivated at the gym.. Anyone have any suggestions? I really love planet fitness and I've really gotten into the 30 minute express and the 12 minute ab circuit, but 45 minutes on the elliptical is now something I dread."
All of that aside.
(back to real time)
I think my next step is to seek out time alone with God. SO (accountability fiends, get ready) I wish to be repeatedly prompted to date Jesus this month. Thank you, ahead of time for your support. (:
and with that I'll pass.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
This Always Happens
This always happens. I do really good for a short amount of time and SOMETHING sneaks its way into my brain and psyches me out. Luckily, I’m really determined this time. What psyched me out? Great Question - Answer: I weighed in this week and after working out for 6 days straight and following my calorie count, my weight has not budged. Scratch that, I think I may have gained.
So I realized over the last two days that this tiny little lie has crept in that I am failing. I actually AM aware that this is not true and that ever single step I take towards my health IS success. It’s just hard not to be discouraged when you look forward to it all week, thinking you’ve made some drastic change. But I have to remind myself that this isn’t about a number on the scale.
This is long term, this is about overcoming my addiction.
This is about pursuing health in every aspect.
Not just physical.
So maybe the scale is showing no mercy this week, but I DO feel better and I think I look better. Maybe it’s in my mind, but I think I’m still losing and my body is just confused.
Whatever it is, I have to be okay with it. God has me where he wants me right now.
On another note, this month I’ve started Slim Fast...well the generic version at least. Today was day 1. It went really well as far as I can tell. I wasn’t hungry until after my workout, so around 5pm. I’m still using myfitnesspal as well. So we’ll see how this week goes. But if the scale still doesn’t budge I might see about something else.
Oh, I meant to update you on my board of accountability partners earlier so some of these are a week or two old. But I asked them how things were going, here are their answers.
Rhonda: "A little thrown off by my new work schedule."
Morgan: "For once I'm sticking to something and I'm very encouraged."
Sammy Jo: "Probably an A"
Emily: "I actually do enjoy this whole learning about my foods and what I put in my body and trying new exercises, I just wish I had more time!"
Justine: "I pooped Satan's Baby today."
Also, my dad is officially added to the accountability board and his response was:
"Focused and Determined, and this time I'll keep it off!" - said in Grinch voice.
Yeah, I'll leave you with that.
and just so we're all clear, I'm okay. I just never want to sugar coat anything or act like I'm not frustrated or struggling... okay, rant over. (lol sugar coat... I wouldn't have room for those calories.)
Toodles!
So I realized over the last two days that this tiny little lie has crept in that I am failing. I actually AM aware that this is not true and that ever single step I take towards my health IS success. It’s just hard not to be discouraged when you look forward to it all week, thinking you’ve made some drastic change. But I have to remind myself that this isn’t about a number on the scale.
This is long term, this is about overcoming my addiction.
This is about pursuing health in every aspect.
Not just physical.
So maybe the scale is showing no mercy this week, but I DO feel better and I think I look better. Maybe it’s in my mind, but I think I’m still losing and my body is just confused.
Whatever it is, I have to be okay with it. God has me where he wants me right now.
On another note, this month I’ve started Slim Fast...well the generic version at least. Today was day 1. It went really well as far as I can tell. I wasn’t hungry until after my workout, so around 5pm. I’m still using myfitnesspal as well. So we’ll see how this week goes. But if the scale still doesn’t budge I might see about something else.
Oh, I meant to update you on my board of accountability partners earlier so some of these are a week or two old. But I asked them how things were going, here are their answers.
Rhonda: "A little thrown off by my new work schedule."
Morgan: "For once I'm sticking to something and I'm very encouraged."
Sammy Jo: "Probably an A"
Emily: "I actually do enjoy this whole learning about my foods and what I put in my body and trying new exercises, I just wish I had more time!"
Justine: "I pooped Satan's Baby today."
Also, my dad is officially added to the accountability board and his response was:
"Focused and Determined, and this time I'll keep it off!" - said in Grinch voice.
Yeah, I'll leave you with that.
and just so we're all clear, I'm okay. I just never want to sugar coat anything or act like I'm not frustrated or struggling... okay, rant over. (lol sugar coat... I wouldn't have room for those calories.)
Toodles!
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