Mourning Past Seasons

For those of you who know me, you probably know that it is really difficult for me to share about my experience on the World Race. This isn't because I don't want to share it with anyone. It is because I have a really hard time with the questions I'm asked. I don't feel like telling you my favorite food is going to help you understand anything about the year I spent growing and changing. I don't know how telling you how much weight I lost is going to tie into the relationships I made in 10+ cities all around the world.

It's hard.

My heart still aches to share with everyone I come in contact with, just one glimpse into my experience but every time I have the opportunity - I become an inarticulate mess. Part of this is knowing that I realistically only have 3 minutes of your attention before you pull out your phone or your mind starts moving on to other things. But the other HUGE part of it is that I haven't allowed myself to fully mourn 2013.
 
In my mind, it will always be the year that changed me. It was the year I received the unwanted gift of community. It was the year that presented me with something uncomfortable at least once a day. It was the year I had to learn to let go over and over. It was the year I saw the Father working in every detail because I had my eyes open to see it. It was the year I was FORCED to trust him with my life.

I missed my family and friends for an entire year while I was gone. There wasn't a day I didn't want to fly home and cuddle my dog and eat my weight in taco bell. Now after spending a year at home I can honestly say, I don't have the same sense of home. It's hard to tell people that. It's hard to explain that you don't feel at home in your own bedroom. It's so hard to explain that leaving a second time would be a relief to the constant desire to travel and bring kingdom anywhere but here.

I don't believe that's what's next for me, but it is on my heart at all times. I don't know what's next and I don't think knowing is important. It will come with or without my permission or acknowledgement. What I do believe to be important is to finally allow myself to fully mourn and process my 2013. 

I started the process this morning, watching videos put together by one of my extremely talented squadmates. I watched SO many of them, but this one stuck out to me. I watched it three times and cried through the ENTIRE thing three times in row.

I want to share it with you, not because I'm in every shot but because these are all clips of what it is to be a missionary. The African church clips are all from my favorite church in Rwanda. My beautiful pastor and her congregation. I cannot tell you how sad it was to leave and I think that's where my processing will begin, because I was sure I would be going back and now I don't know when that will be.

You might also be wondering why this is coming up now. That's a valid question.

Today marks one year that I've been home from the race. I realized yesterday looking at my calendar and it hit me like a ton of bricks. December 6th was a day I used to fantasize about and seeing it again on the calendar released a physical response and I instantly started weeping.

So I kind of decided that I should probably start dealing with this. lol 

So that's where I'm at and with that, I'm pleased to present this gorgeous video put together by my good friend, Scott Kwak.

xXxXxXxClick Here for the Video!!xXxXxXx