FB Hiatus (continued)

Part 2

While I was away from facebook, I started journaling a lot about my life now and my life last year on the race. When I compared the two, there were a lot of similarities and differences I did not expect to find. After sorting these things out into neat little columns, it still didn't make sense.

My thoughts went a little something like this:

I am genuinely unhappy.
I have all the things I missed while I was away.
I have all the comforts I dreamed of, while I was gone.

Shouldn't I be reasonably happy?

While I thought on this I zoned out a little and when I (for lack of better words) came to, I was surprised to see that I had filled the page with words that depicted the things in my life currently.

These are a few of the positives:

Sunrises, laughter, tears, long drives, prayer, eating, sleeping, coffee, parks&rec, more laughter, laugh-crying, family time, worship, quiet moments, God whispers, adventure, phone calls, cuddles, couches, ice cream, cereal and ramen(not together), writing, more driving, good friends, domestic animals.

These are a few of the negatives:

Netflix-Binging, gossip, self-comforting, doubt, self-hate, social media, weightgain, (yeah, I wrote that. AS ONE WORD, like it's an activity I've been partaking in), pointless conversation, nothingness, purposelessness, wishing to be somewhere else, general annoyance with Christians, emptiness, hermity-ness.

As I looked at this page I started feeling a deep sadness take over my body from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers, then shooting down my legs. It took me over and I just sat paralyzed in fear. I had no idea what was going on.

My body was reacting the same way it did when I first came home from the race.

Confusion.

Shock.

Denial.

Am I really here? In this place? right now? Where is my identity now?

I had been fighting so hard to break these walls and habits and general negative traits. I've done a lot of work over the course of the past 3 years.

Did I manage to reverse it all?

(SHORT ANSWER, NO)

Now of course this wasn't true, but it felt true in that moment and I was devastated.

Living in America, is challenging. Now before all of you jump on me for being ungrateful: SHUT YOUR BUTT! I've said this before but I need to say it again. We may not have the same struggles as the rest of the world. It may be (IS) incredibly easy, in comparison.

HOWEVER, we face a different struggle. That struggle is the beautiful gift of freedom.

We. Are. So. Challenged. by this freedom.

We don't have to fight for our right to follow Jesus. We don't have to hide our faith. (Although sometimes other Christians might make you want to.)

On a greater level we can generally find clean water anywhere we go. Also, I'm allowed to work and have an income and own things. There are so many things we take for granted and I understand that it is completely ridiculous to say life is hard; because in comparison, no it isn't.


But this freedom comes with a cost, I have sank back into the same routine I was in before I was shown what REAL Freedom in Christ looks like.

God gave me an illustration. He's really good at those.

I'm a scrappy little kid, digging through the trash looking for an old costume that my parents threw away. I found it and it was disgusting. It had weird indistinguishable stains and rips all over it. I put it on, my feet busted the seams at the bottom and the sleeves that once covered half my hand, now only reached to my elbows. With every step, like the incredible hulk, I ripped it to shreds.

I had outgrown it.

But I did NOT want to take it off. In my closet hung a brand new beautiful costume that would definitely look awesome. But I was comfortable in the old one.

Living for Christ in America, is not difficult because we have to hide it or risk being shunned by anyone. It is difficult because it is uncomfortable. It's not easy and it doesn't offer instant gratification. It is comfortable and safe to adjust to life in America. It is easy to slip back into patterns that help you blend in with the world. I would even say it is natural, as human beings, to assimilate to the culture we're submerged in.

But the true unmatched freedom I experienced when I was truly living*, is worth the fight. So I had to figure out what I needed, that I no longer had and also what I needed to let go of.

PART 3 to come soon. 

*not a typo. I don't mean "living for Christ". I actually just mean living or existing/functioning